Hi all, i had a few great weeks with my bf and in general. things were going well, applying new techniques (DBT, new therapist) but i am in beginning stages. Over past few days have been tested so much, wonder if it threw me into hypo-manic state. Started w/ two major pain in the butt things happening w/in 1 hour on halloween (my tooth and then my car both major problems). Tried to keep it together as we had a whole nice evening planned. But instead cried and acted like a wounded puppy. I got over it monday, and addressed both issues right away! i felt like superwoman. Fast forward to last night, a nice dinner and then we were horsing around, i was tickling him (he hates tickeling! i guess i didn't get the hint?) and got angry and he yelled at me like in my face to stop (fair for him as its his personal space) however- it brought up memories of being yelled at as a kid from my dad. I couldn't shake it off all night!! I was mad at him, meanwhile he had every right to implement that boundary and tell me to stop. I acted like a child... I took 2 seroquals (50mg) to calm, still hardly slept! Woke up early, still shaken. And then, without actual intent to fight, had a giant falling out- w/ us yelling, me turning into a raging lunatic, i threw precious things, memories, pushed and kicked at him, and such broken. run out of the house, accusing him of abandoning me.

I checked myself before actually driving off, came back, we calmed down, he held me and spent some time w/ me (i knew he had a full day of work and sports today- i think that made me even more sensitive that so much time would pass before we would make up...) I feel hopeless but i felt like it was life or death before. that he would run for the hills for sure this time. I was convinced that was what i deserved. Yet i kept demanding hugs from him, but it was just pushing him away more. I was not being rational. Saying things so fast and not making sense even to myself, but i couldnt understand why he didn't "get me". and making accusations. It simply was not "me"
Eventually he cooled down, he assured me he has seen me this way before! everything will be fine, he knew it was not "me" and he will sit and work with me more on how to handle this better. reassuring that i was doign so well and we will continue to go in positive direction. (he is insanely rational .... - is that a contradiction? ).

I texted my girlfriend / buddy she also has the same issues, she is very empathetic. As well as my therapist, she is moving our appt to today. I am reading my DBT papers, to go over today. And i have plans to contact a group therapist for more intense DBT work.

thing is: I am exhausted, and its just the morning. I keep comparing myself to normal people in the world. "Why cant i do all these things like everyone else". I beat myself up so much.
Luckily I can work from home today.

It might sound like a silly excuse: but also wonder if getting jacked up on Nitrus oxide at the dentist (it takes allot for me to feel effects) triggered me. I had a bad episode the last time i went and had nitrus. ? Or perhaps just the added stress of all the stuff (there is even more that i didn't mention with family drama).

Just venting here, and i also still dont really have a concrete diagnosis yet.... My new therapist doesnt think i am full blown BPD (but that is were we are focusing on). This to me feels like bipolar, hypomania over past few days.

What do you all think?

Thank you for any insights, thoughts, advice....