I'm sorry that you are experiencing all this.

To tell you the truth, only a certified mental health care provider can diagnose and treat you.

The symptoms can be any number of things because MI symptoms overlap, from Bipolar, borderline, skitzoaffective, drug/alcohol abuse, and any number of other disorders or combinations there of.

What sticks out of your words is that whatever you are feeling, your mind is "telling" you to feel the opposite...that doesn't happen in bipolar, you either are or aren't.

It infers that you hear voices telling you to do something kinda reminds me of skitzophrenia or some psychotic disorder similar in nature which would be treatable with meds. But what do I know...I'm just nutz.

I hope that you find your answers and get the help you need.