Hello Thisisme586: I'm sorry to read of your struggle. It sounds as though you are pretty clearly suffering with some major depression at the moment. Hopefully you are getting some professional mental health services to help you to overcome your anguish. It's great that you've come here to PC. And I would encourage you to keep posting! But you also need some real life support as well. Depression can be a serious condition, as I'm sure you are aware. Please reach out to someone you trust.