I don't know what I feel or what I need to do to feel ok again

I've been in a relationship for 18months. At the start my boyfriend was in regular contact with his ex. Texting phoning and helping her out with things as he said he felt bad for ending it and felt as tho he owed her something. I always made it clear I wasn't happy with it but it continued for a long time. The contact stopped about 4 months ago all of a sudden. He says he isn't sure why but maybe she's moved on and thinks she had a new boyfriend. I do believe him but I'm worried it will all start up again when she needs him as I think he'll always be there for her

I'm so paranoid about it and we argue a lot about the fact he let it continue by responding to her even tho he was telling me he loved me

He knows I don't trust him but tells me that I can. I want to so much but I can't move in from this at all and I don't know why. He was meant to bring some things to my house recently but didn't and went out for a drink with a girl from work. I was so upset and it felt like he blew me out to go out with her. He said it wasn't like that and they are friends and has apologised. Again this has shattered trust even more and we now argue about this.
Recently he said he'd collected a package for me from the post office and was going to bring it for me. He didn't actually do this, he lied so he could come and see me. Again this damaged the trust and now we argue about this.
He was really drunk and he we had an awful row on the phone and he totally lost it and was so angry at me for not trusting him that he was saying awful things to me about wanting to be single and go out with other girls if I don't want to be with him.
I find t so hard to let him back in emotionally and all I do is push him away. He gets very frustrated by this. I don't want to lose him from my life but I can't be with him in a relationship right now as I just can't move on from all the hurt and the damaged trust between us. When I tell him I need space he reacts badly and says he can't wait forever as I can't tell him when I'll want to see him again.

I'm so lost I don't even know how I feel. I'm so hurt by the things he says to me when he's angry and it makes me retract even further from him.

He tells me I can't keep pushing him away but I'm too scared to let him close to me again as he's hurt me so much.

He says I can trust him but his actions say different.

I'm confused and don't know how to act or feel.

I think I'm depressed but i really don't know.

Please someone help