I thought I was just in a little bad spot this past week/weekend and just needed to hang around PC obsessively for a few days until I felt sorted, and then I'd be alright. But I think this particular depressive episode has really taken a firm hold of me, because it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I feel stuck. And, at this moment, I feel pretty precarious: I don't really know where to go. The couple of friends I do have can't do anything for me, not to mention that I don't want to hang on them with my despair. I desperately want to make others see me, to see that any happiness they perceive is fake, that I'm only putting on a front to survive. I am not well. But, as someone who has been inpatient in the past, I don't see how even that will help me right now. In fact, it'll hinder me. If I make it through this, I will come out the other side without a job prospect (since I'm in the process of trying to move into a new one), and with even less understanding from others than I have now. The only thing the hospital does for me is tweak my meds (which has been done ad nauseum--they're as good as they're gonna get) and in the meantime I'll sit through sessions learning coping skills I've been taught a million times when, really, I need to know how to be someone that people like. Which I've tried to be. And it doesn't work, apparently. On the other hand, maybe I'm not trying and maybe I'm just bitter and not so nice and have let the pain I've endured in life get to me and have no hope that I won't continue to be a bitter, lonely person.

I just want companionship. I just want people to call me, to invite me places, to follow through with me. I want people to like me. I am so so so so lonely. So lonely. I can't bear to live like this. I go through this cycle so often and every time I don't know how I will keep going. I get a little more afraid, every time, that I will be like this forever.