Quote:
Originally Posted by BoulderOnMyShoulder
According to my therapist, by me saying that I think he did anything wrong, I am backing him into an unfair corner. I am putting him in a lose-lose situation, that either he was wrong to hug me in the first place or wrong to stop the hugs. He believes I am stuck on accusing him of trying to intentionally harm me (I don't think that is the case), and he does not like his decision to stop hugging me being challenged (even though I don't think that is it, I'm not challenging the decision, I am unhappy with how he handled the whole thing). By saying that I think he messed up, I am putting pressure on him to feel bad for setting a boundary he has a right to set. Apparently I am not just voicing my unhappiness, I am really stepping over the line by believing he did anything wrong. He says I am very accusatory, and I'm going to have problems with people I am close to because I'm going to end up questioning them when they do things I don't like and it's going to be violating boundaries.
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This part of your T's reaction especially bothers me. I had a sort of rupture with my marriage counselor maybe 4 months ago. I thought he was going back on a promise to me of his door always be open (like if I wanted to see him individually again, as I had a couple times to address the transference) and it really hurt. Like hysterical sobbing on the phone, literally feeling a pain in my chest hurt (remember, transference). To the point that my husband even called him to be like, "What did you say to my wife?" The worst part was that the week before I'd admitted I loved him (platonically), so it felt like this was him pushing me away.
We addressed it in our next session--he didn't really assume responsibility but also didn't put the blame on me. I thought I was OK, but a few days later, realized I was still upset. Talked to him again about it at our next session, he was fine with going over it again, and then he ended up saying something that eventually bothered me even more, about his thoughts on things evolving. So for a third session, I wanted us to discuss it. He was fine with that and eventually admitted he realized he'd made a mistake in making the offer to me months earlier in the first place. Like he'd realized it immediately after he said it, months ago, not after I said I loved him. And he said something that made me realize he understood he had really hurt me (too complicated to explain!)
Had it not been for all of that, I may not have been able to trust and feel safe with him again (I honestly feel our relationship is stronger now--though it took some time). If he tried to turn it back on me and blame me for it, like your T is doing? Definitely would be a problem for me. My MC even was saying it was good for me to be angry at him and to express that anger--he wasn't trying to act like it was a personality issue of mine. One thing I've liked about him all along was his willingness to admit he's not perfect, as a therapist, father, husband, human being in general. He's not putting himself up on some pedestal. It sounds like your T is doing that, like he's the only one who can determine who was at fault. And it's not going to be him.
Honestly, the fact that he seems so defensive suggests to me that he *knows* he made a mistake. But if he's unwilling to admit that--and especially if he's trying to act like there's something wrong with you emotionally/personality-wise for being upset with his actions--then it suggests to me that he's not able to look at himself critically and accept that he's not always right. It's like he has a superiority complex. I know it's going to be difficult/painful, but I really think you need to find another T...