'Trigger warning'

I don't know how to live the rest of my life..... As I write this thread I am often contending with the thought of suicide, I seem to have no control over the thought, maybe its the answer to my hurting! I have hurt for so long. I don't know who I am, I look in the mirror and a stranger looks back at me!

I've promised my husband I will change after he gave me a ultimatum and I've stopped my medication because my husband and parents are convinced that is what's making me grazy! I decided not to go for the tests next week I can't deal with that as well and yes I know it doesn't make sense here I am thinking 'again' about suicide and yet I'm scared to go because, I think I know what the results are going to be, some of the symptoms are back(blood in vomit etc) but it doesn't matter for the pain in my heart is much worst, its unbearable!

I want my husband and kids to see me as a strong women again worthy to be in their lives, but (and i hate this word because there's always a but) I'm struggling with my feelings and thoughts I dont know who or what I will be from moment to moment and day to day and I feel so alone and hurt because the real 'me' is not allowed to show!

Its been longer than a week now struggling I feel anxious/stuck that feeling that your going to loose control, I tell myself that my kids and husband deserve the best and I have to keep it together! I manage to keep it together in front of them but when I'm alone I fall apart!

I need to get out of this black hole......