I'm in a weird(well, weirder) state today. It's like all my thoughts are evanescent. Whispy and whispering. Whispers in my ear about how I'll never escape my own mind. It'll forever betray me, forever be chipping away at everything that makes me a person. It's like I'm the walking dead, subsisting. I don't feel anything except rage that this is my reality or well unreality to be more appropriate. I never trust my own perceptions, because I know by now when I think I've got it all figured out I'm psychotic... That's what I've learned. And I'm always hearing voices and "delusional" according to my treatment team and my closest confidants who interact with me very frequently.

Makes me wonder what the point of life is. I'm not saying I want to die quite the contrary there's things I really love about my life. But my psychosis is always this infectious rot that keeps me from truly living and I have limits on what I can do and that's never going to change.

I wish people would stop asking me if I'm in school, working, in a long term relationship, etc. I will never be able to do those things. My cognition is truly terrible. It taking me forever to write this post even. I have to think about every word because otherwise it'll turn into ally he lines intersecting at the wrong time which makes me even more angry or just stay flat... My affect is so blunted like people think I'm so weird because I'll talk about whatever and people look at me funny.

Typing on a computer or in this case my phone is easier. I can think about how to construct the endless stream of words in my mind. My thoughts aren't racing it's like they e just spilled like a huge glass of water, preferably all over someone's electronics. My brain is so fried...

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