I'll start with saying, a little over a year and a half ago - I went through a divorce. It was one of the most horrible things, and still is - as far as I'm concerned. I was completely blindsided by it, was left/divorced for another woman. Caught and Gone. No, I'm sorry - remorse - try to work it out - Nothing! We were "the perfect couple" as often described by family and friends. It came as a complete shock, and I honestly can't say I'll ever get over that. He was the love of my life, I can't even begin to describe how much I loved that man.

Fast forward through the grieving - which was one of the wildest roller coaster rides of my life. I swore to myself, I'd never date again - and that, I would in my heart - remain married to him, for eternity. No judge or piece of paper was going to determine that. He was my soul mate - and, no one was going to tell me otherwise. It was horrible. Thank God, I finally moved past that ridiculous unhealthy thought process, and accept the divorce and "moved on".

Which brings me to this part of the forum. After almost a year, I met someone. Not intentionally, but met him regardless. I thought he was funny, and he was certainly a gentleman. He wanted to exchange numbers, and I thought okay. We talked and talked - for hours and hours, for 2 weeks. It felt good to laugh, and share stories with another guy again. He eventually asked me to meet again, and I said - I wasn't sure.. I wanted to. Inside, I was scared. I finally agreed. He took me out to dinner, we had a wonderful time. He was a complete gentleman. Open my car door, when I went back to get in my car - he got out, and gave me a big warm hug - and then opened my car door. He said some really nice things about me, and the night. It was special. He called me when he got home, and Thanked me again for the wonderful time, and that he hoped we would go out again - very soon. Well... now, 8 months later... here we are. The difference is, he isn't the same guy - I first met. He had a secret, that he hid very well for many months. I don't know how, but he did. He is an alcoholic. I knew he had beers, but I didn't find that alarming... a lot of people have a beer or two when they go out. I thought nothing of it.

The problem is, I fell in love (again). Once that happened, the secret came out - he became less and less willing to "hide it" - and, before I know it - I have this drunk man in my life. He is always always drunk by the time 8-9pm or so rolls around. Not just once in awhile, always. He is definitely a high functioning alcoholic. As he is a hard worker, w/ a good job. But regardless, his personality and everything has changed. Now that I know, I can see the signs of his addiction. If he sleeps over, he wakes up completely sweaty, and his hands shake. He's going through withdrawals. He has horrible eating habits, and sleep habits. He's in denial. He has fallen, he falls into walls, he staggers when he walks and the worst is - he has Jeckyll & Hyde personality. Up and down he goes. He can be very emotionally mean, but has a really great way of turning it into my fault ... It's always always my fault. Because of the type of personality I am, I take the blame... I think it's because of my failed marriage, so I believe I have something wrong with me... and, I let this guy tell me that, and I believe him.

When he is sober - he is AWESOME. I absolutely love everything about him, he is sweet, kind, generous and hard working - has helped me out so much at my farm, and around the house. He never stops trying to please. BUT... that changes. It's really taking a lot out of me, dealing with him. But, it's not easy to leave him. He acts like he's going to leave me all the time, it's one of his favorite games to play... Because, he likes the attention of me saying, No don't. Sometimes, when I'm fed up - I say Fine - go. Only to later regret that, and either apologize or wait for him to contact me again, and then I let him back in my life.

I don't allow this behavior or drinking in front of my son. He only stays here when my son is with his Dad for the weekend. I'm smart enough as it is, to know I don't want my son seeing this behavior. But... at the same time, I'm finding it really really hard to let this guy go. I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone again. It was so very hard. I don't want to face that depression again. I really don't.

I'm going through so much right now, my Dad was just diagnosed with Cancer - and it's really taking a lot out of me, emotionally. My BF shows zero empathy, and infact tells me things like "Oh, good - now you have another problem to complain about".

It's just I don't know. I know I don't deserve that, but at the same time - I'm afraid to be alone again. I have very low-self esteem. Please help me know what to do.