This is so hard my love. I feel for you I really do. I once loved a man so much that when we lived together he told me to go to my parents because he planned on going on a date and was going to take her back to our apartment, (the home I made for us) and sleep with her. And I was totally and utterly accepting of that. I was beaten down completely so I KNOW I KNOW what its like to feel that you desperately need someone. The pain is just so much that we don't want to let go because we feel we NEED someone. We just NEED them.

Need them to feel complete. Need them to fill the void. Need them to escape the depression. Need them because we want to be loved so badly. Need them because we are not worth enough to be treated any better by anyone else.

Well. As an ex-alcoholic (111 days sober), it has to MY choice. He WILL NEVER STOP unless he feels that there is absolutely no way out. And I hate to say it but by calling him and apologizing and taking him back you are enabling him. We FEED off of the love of others who feel for us. We FEED and take and take and take till there is nothing left of our partners.

You have to make a choice. As someone who knows first hand what its like to feel like absolutely nothing and absolutely worthless AND an alcoholic I can tell you, you WILL survive this. Ultimately it your decision, but you can walk away. Life will show you. Life has been trying to show you with the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. You must let go. And be strong. Its is sooooo hard I know. Trust me I do. But I am here. We all are here.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk. I am here to listen.