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Originally Posted by Cats4
I'm so surprised that alcoholism destroys the partner as well, it almost doesn't make sense - when you're the one not doing the drinking. It's all b/c of how they act.
Is that typical behavior what I've described... Blaming you for everything (and I do mean everything. The worst was, the other night. It was garbage night, and I had taken out the kitchen trash and put them in the outside cans. I hadn't yet put a new bag in the kitchen trash can. He started flying off the handle. F word was flying, "How f hard is it to f put in a new f bag?" Then started calling me lazy and all this other stuff. I said, I can't believe you're throwing a fit about this. I just took the trash out 10 minutes ago and forgot to put a new bag in. It's not a big deal. He said "F You - Just go sit down and be lazy" - and then he proceeded to put a bag in my trash can.
I was astounded, and knew right then... I don't want this. He's emotionally abusive. I was upset the rest of the night, and wouldn't talk to him, but to be honest - he wouldn't talk to me either, if he did - it was nastiness. I made him sleep on the couch. Now, he's royally mad at me... b/c I did that, and I feel bad now. Like, yeah I guess it was your fault - you made him sleep on the couch - that isn't fair. That's what I say to myself. But he really hurt my feelings, and reacted in a way that was insane. I was blown away. Unfortunately HIS son was there. Thank God, mine not... and, his son even said "Dad, it's just a garbage bag, and he walked away crying".... His son is only 8. His boy loves me, you can tell that. I feel for his son, I don't know what that must be like.
My question... especially to you Platinum Heart - since you were there once, and by the way Congrat's on the victory of being sober! GOOD GOOD for you! Keep up the awesome work. Did you have the jeckyll & hyde personality? If you did, were you aware of it then, or the next day when you were sober? Or did you truly believe, it was everyone elses fault - and never your own?
I'm trying to get into his mind a little... get an idea of what he thinks/knows. Does he KNOW he acts like this? And it's just all a play... Or does he truly believe it's me?
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Not every alcoholic is abusive, no. My ex was selfish but it was more like demanding time/attention. Once called every five minutes knowing I was at a FUNERAL. Left crying voicemails, "I need you, how can you be this way? Why won't you pick up?" Um, turned the ringer off because I was at a funeral!! Alcohol lowers inhibitions so it's harder to pretend. On some level he thinks you're lazy. Hyde is who he really is, and the important thing to remember is that even if he does get and stay sober he won't become the guy he pretended to be when you first met, he will be a third, different guy.
Sometimes people black out and in blackouts what happens is that your brain stops saving short term information. Kind of like amnesia. But he knows he acts like that, even if he blacks out and forgets specifics, he will remember everything leading up to the blackout. Plus he probably has exes who have gone through the same thing and told him how he acts, so it's no surprise to him. Some addicts hate themselves and they can't respect you because you love them when they act so horribly. Not saying that's how he is but it is a possibility. You already know what you need to do, you said it:
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I was astounded, and knew right then... I don't want this. He's emotionally abusive.
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Another thing to keep in mind is that if he gets sober it doesn't just resolve itself when he stops drinking. I have seen many relationships and marriages fail AFTER sobriety. (My boyfriend is very active in AA, 2 out of 3 of his sponsees have divorced after periods of sobriety.) I hope this helps some. He is not a bad person, he just needs help but that does not mean you need to stick around until he admits that - if he ever does.