Hello Sun-no-Shine: I'm so sorry to read of your struggle. I have also contended with ongoing thoughts of suicide, over the years. They're less now... for some unknown reason. It is certainly possible that the medication you've been on has been contributing to your depression & suicidality. I cannot take Effexor for this very reason. However, the fact you may be adversely affected by the med you've been on, does not mean that you should necessarily not be taking anything. I have also been on Cymbalta, & it was the best psych med, for me, I ever took. (Hopefully you are also receiving some therapy services.)

I do wish that you would reconsider your decision not to go for the tests you had scheduled. If you are experiencing blood in vomit, this has got to be adding mightily to your stress level! So, getting these tests done & getting whatever treatment you need is one concrete step you can take toward feeling at least a bit better. I obviously don't know anything about your relationship with your husband & kids. But I would think that, under any circumstances, your own self-worth has to be enhanced by taking care of yourself physically, rather than to let your health further deteriorate. And taking care of yourself is a necessary first step toward feeling like you are more "worthy" in your family's eyes. Does that make sense?

I know how hard it can be, when you are in free-fall, which it sounds like you are, to stop your descent. But, unless you are willing to allow yourself to just keep falling, you must reach out & grab something. Resolving to do what needs to be done to take care of yourself physically, would be a great place to start. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find the strength to do so...