Hi hiddensecret: I do think it can be difficult sometimes to see people we are close to in a new light. I imagine it's like when you see someone in a new setting you've only seen previously in some other setting & you don't recognize them at first in the new setting. Does that make sense?

I'm so sorry you are continuing to struggle. I sense some desperation in your post. I hope that you can, in some way, reach out to someone IRL for the support you need. Please also keep posting... your post is not pointless...