Hello,
I could really use some support right now and I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends. Yesterday afternoon I stumbled across a very explicit pornographic image on my husband’s computer. In a complete state of shock, I naively thought it must be an image he mistakenly downloaded from a joke email one of his friends sent him. I decided to reassure myself with this by checking his internet history, expecting to see hotmail at the time the image was downloaded. That was not the case. Instead there were google searches for images of "hot *****", "gorgeous *****", "hot brunette *****", (incidentally, I’m blonde he obviously wanted a change of scenery), followed by links he then clicked on to view several different explicit images.
For many women it would come as a very nasty shock to discover that their husbands have used pornography, but this was particularly awful for me as my husband knows how strongly I feel against his use of pornography when in a relationship. Several years ago, before we were engaged, he let it slip that he had used pornography since we had been together. I was extremely upset and shocked by this. For me personally, I feel that when you are in a committed relationship with someone, you should fulfill your sexual desires with that person and that person only and I see pornography as using another person to fulfill your sexual needs. Therefore to me, the use of pornography is a form of cheating; a lower level than actually having an affair with someone, but cheating nonetheless. Now, I totally understand that for many people pornography is considered completely natural and is even a healthy part of their relationship and I respect that. I don’t feel that I’m right and they’re wrong; if both partners in the relationship are comfortable with the use of pornography, then great. However for me it is incredibly hurtful to me and destructive to my relationship. I explained my feelings about this to him during our conversation and he said that whilst he didn’t see pornography that way, he now knew how much it hurt me and wouldn’t ever use it again.
After finding the image yesterday, I confronted my husband and initially he smiled, (he later said out of embarrassment), and then attempted to lie and say that the image must have been on his computer from years ago. I then asked him if he had viewed pornographic images since the birth of our baby who is nearly 6 months old, and he said he hadn’t. I knew that this was a lie and asked if he could promise me that he hadn’t. He went quiet then said that he couldn’t. It then came out that not only had he been using pornography since our baby was born, but that he had been using it throughout our relationship. He said that he stopped for about a year following the conversation I mentioned earlier, but then started again. The crazy thing is, that before our baby was born, we had an amazing sex life, we had sex several times a week and it was always very hot and passionate, and without wanting to sound big headed, men have always found me attractive and I’m sure my husband did too, so I have no idea why he would need to look at other women naked to fulfill him sexually.
Admittedly our sex life has taken a bit of nose dive since the birth of our baby, but that’s not for lack of effort on my part. Only four weeks after our baby was born, we tried to have sex as my husband was very horny. I couldn’t have been less horny personally – I was getting absolutely no sleep, I had recently gone through a 72 hour labour and gave birth naturally to a baby with a 37cm circumference head, so I could only imagine the damage that had been done! We had to abandon the first attempt as it was excruciating for me, but I tried again the week after and the week after that, at which point we managed it, but it was still incredibly painful. Even now, many months later, it is still very painful for me but I try to have sex with my husband once a week, so that his sexual needs are being met and to keep the intimacy between us. At the times that I haven’t been able to, or haven’t felt like having sex, I have offered take care of him with my hands, but he says he doesn’t like ejaculating into a tissue, so would rather wait until we have sex. Yet, this is exactly what he does when he was watching porn behind my back, so that doesn’t make any sense. My point in mentioning this is that I am doing everything I can to meet my husband’s sexual needs, probably unlike the majority of women, who totally understandably, wouldn’t be thinking much about this at all having just had a baby. The fact that I am putting this effort in despite the pain it causes me and it is still not good enough for him, is very hurtful and leaves me feeling incredibly inadequate, at a time that I am already feeling vulnerable. Added to this is the knowledge that my husband has actually been using porn throughout our relationship, despite the previous great sex life, which has made me realize that I have never actually fulfilled him sexually and therefore I never will. This is a very painful realization.
However, it is not the feelings of inadequacy that I am having the most trouble dealing with. It is the feelings of betrayal and the complete disregard for my feelings. As I said, I understand that people feel differently about pornography use, but to me it is a form of cheating and is completely disrespectful to the other person in the relationship. My husband knew my feelings, he promised not to do it again and he secretly went on doing it anyway. At a young age, I discovered that my Dad used pornography, and to be honest, I think it scarred me. The thought of it makes me feel physically sick and incredibly upset and my husband knew this, yet he continued doing it anyway. He’s put his desire to look at other women naked above me and our marriage.
Instead of being incredibly apologetic about this when I spoke to him, he almost got angry with me. Eventually he calmed down and said sorry, but it didn’t feel like a genuine apology, always countered with a “I’m sorry, but…”, excuse after excuse, making up a conversation we had a couple of years ago where I supposedly indicated that it was fine for him to look at porn, which I would never do, and then finishing it off with, “I’m sorry you’re upset”, as if it’s my own doing that I’m upset. After we had the argument, he avoided me for a bit, which was fine as I needed the space, but then when he sat down for dinner and could see that I had been in floods of tears, he didn’t seem overly bothered, he just reached over, stroked my arm a couple of times and said, “there, that feels better doesn’t it”. What?! How does that make things feel better? If anything it made it worse as it felt condescending and showed a complete lack of empathy towards me.
On top of this, not only did it appear that he was not overly bothered by how hurt I was, he also came dangerously close to offering me an ultimatum, let me watch porn, or end the marriage. He asked me what we were going to do about this, as if the idea of him not watching porn anymore, either hadn’t occurred to him or he’d considered and rejected it. What kind of a choice is that for me? Feel like my husband is cheating on me for the rest of my life, or end the marriage, leaving me without a husband and my precious baby without his father. What can I possibly do? He said that he had needs that must be met and if he can’t look at porn anymore something else must take its place. What can take its place? My libido has all but disappeared, hopefully only temporarily, and sex is incredibly painful for me, so once a week feels like the best I can do. I have offered to use my hands instead, but that’s not good enough.
He’s even been treating me like one of these women in porn recently and getting me to put myself in explicit positions, so that he can masturbate whilst looking at me. I have found this very uncomfortable, but I have felt that it is important for me to try and meet his sexual needs if I can. However, I have previously felt confused about him wanting to see me like this, it feels very explicit and I am clearly not comfortable with it, it feels like the sort of thing you would get a prostitute to do, not your wife, but it’s what he wants. Now however, I realize that this is how he is used to seeing women sexually. He said that before we were together he used to masturbate daily, I’m guessing with the help of pornography. Had he stopped using pornography when we got together, by now he probably wouldn’t want to see me in the same way as them, but given he has still been using it, he wants me to look like one of these tarts from the internet to get him off. He wants to use me like he uses them and that feels not only hurtful but very disrespectful. I have done this in the past for him, but now that I know that he is wanting me to be like the girls on the internet, I really don’t know how I can do it, it will feel so degrading. As it is, he feels I don’t do this enough for him, so what am I meant to do?
The fact that he is suggesting that he continues to use pornography, despite knowing how deeply upsetting this is for me, has been a complete shock. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. He is actually normally very caring towards me, despite what it may sound like, and normally puts my needs first so, this has totally blindsided me. I cannot believe that he would even consider our marriage ending because he can’t view pornography. I would just not imagine in a million years that this is more important to him than me, our marriage and ultimately our son. Honestly, I just can’t believe it and am in a state of total shock. It is also really shocking me that he is showing no concern for how I am feeling right now, despite seeing how upset I have been. The whole of today he hasn’t once asked me how I am or if I want to talk about it, it’s like he doesn’t want to know how much I’m hurting and doesn’t want to accept that he has done anything wrong.
I feel so hurt that he has had such disregard for my feelings and has just gone ahead and pleased himself; I feel cheated on and betrayed that he would do this behind my back throughout our relationship, it has broken my trust which I don’t know how to get back; I feel like a total mug for being in the other room or another place looking after our baby, whilst he is masturbating as he looks at another woman’s vagina; and I feel overwhelmed with sadness that viewing pornography can in any way be as important to him as me and our beautiful son.
I don’t know where we go from here. I’ve been on a few websites supporting people going through the same thing and it has suggested counseling, which is perhaps something to try. I can’t imagine that anyone will still be reading this, it’s gone on so long (sorry!), but any words of support would be greatly appreciated. Even if there are no responses, I think just getting my feelings out there has been somewhat cathartic and if there is anyone going through a similar situation, hopefully it helps knowing that you are not alone.