I'm sorry for confusing information. I just want you to have it because I would want to and I guess just because I expect my pdoc to tell me all this ahead of time. In fact the deal really is that I don't read drug profiles anymore because I used to know the lethal doses of most of my meds. (I did not read that far about clozaril but I've read about dosing etc because it helps me understand what the low dose she tells me may help will be).

I only swear when manic too. It's actually a sign that mania is coming if I find myself swearing. Although since last week I've been enjoying "gosh Dammit" b/c my niece said it and when I said that she shouldn't say that word she said "but I didn't say God".....which is true but still not quite right. Apparently she's going through a little crisis of curse words versus impolite for kindergarten words. But I've heard a lot more swearing from my mouth lately than usual.

I hope it works too. I keep reading that when it does it's pretty amazing.

One thing I've read that I hope neither of us experiences but I'm hoping you'd want to know about is that it has 2 side effects that seem to occur fairly commonly and the drug literature doesn't emphasize them: drooling at night heavily and some people have trouble with bedwetting. I just know I plan to prepare in advance for both possibilities with mattress and pillow protectors (I'm going to add a 2nd waterproof cover to my mattress since that's what my sister did when the kids were babies and co-slept and my mattress is memory foam and would be ruined by bedwetting and I'm going to find something for my pillows that doesn't annoy me like a plastic cover.) This seems to be at higher doses than starting doses but not necessarily at extreme doses.

I think your dr WAS wrong. He did not listen to YOU, the patient. You said "I may be need to be hospitalized, I am at the end of my rope and feel in danger". He didn't listen to that either when you texted him or when you said it, he listened to what you said your family wanted. He did not ask YOU, the patient, what you wanted and YOU are the important one. YOU are the only one who knows how unsafe/scared you've felt and whether you feel you need to be somewhere safe for a while. It's not about what your family wants and if that is being considered it should be secondary. YOU are the patient!

I can't imagine my pdoc ever hearing me say I thought I was unsafe and not asking me to go to the hospital voluntarily. I am sure she'd make me go if I didn't. And she never would ignore my saying that to put me on some treatment I said my family was interested in unless she and I agreed that trying it was in my best interest.

It sounds like that session left you with little feeling of control and that just is wrong. Your body, your mind, your thoughts=your treatment that should be guided by YOU.

It's true clozaril can be great. But it's not instant and in fact takes a while to get to a therapeutic dose and asking you to just wait that out is beyond what any pdoc should expect of someone saying they feel in danger.