Quote:
Originally Posted by bighands
My wife is a bit younger than you and in the midst of menopause and also has CSA in her past. It's all very tough and she's got the same feelings as you. She swears she loves me more than ever but simply cannot bring herself to think about sex. We're lucky if we make love once every couple months.
To answer your question specifically, I masturbate ALOT and try to be as patient as possible. I could never cheat on her and/or go to a prostitute. I have supported her unfailingly as she's worked with her T on her issues. But, it's very hard to be patient over several years and I definitely feel unwanted. I have been very sad lately and have told her that I feel a distance between us growing due to lack of intimacy.
I just need her to occasionally be there for me. That doesn't mean I want her to drop to her knees and service me at my beck and call or meet me at the door naked and ready (although that would be wonderful) but over the past 3 years or so she has not once ever said "let's just take care of you today" like JLarissa says. A few of those a year would go a long way towards reassuring me that she's mindful of my needs. That would be incredible. If I had that, then "handling" the rest myself to supplement wouldn't feel so desperate and lonely.
She's got the sexuality of a 70 year old woman who is satisfied with cuddling and sex once a year and it's very sad for me to think that I still would like to make love twice a week but have come to the realization that for the rest of my life I'm only going to be able to make love a handful of time a year, maybe. She says that she's trying to be mindful of my/our needs as a married couple while she gets her issues straight but she has yet to try and says that she knows she needs to get better. My fear is that IF she ever gets things straight, it won't be until my libido is gone forever. I'm not getting any younger.  |
You sound like my husband almost verbatim. I have told him he can go elsewhere to get what he needs while I am working through my issues (though I have also insisted if he does, condoms will become a must if/when we get going again), but he doesn't consider himself to be attractive enough (he can be so full of crap sometimes - he's super hot) and insists he only wants me. I'm very flattered, and I wish I could say it's enough, but my problems are so deeply seated in physiology and psychology, it doesn't help as much as I wish it would (though it does help some).
I think if I want to be the good wife I've always tried to be, I have to get past my feelings of dread (Note: all of us who were sexually abused have that feeling - it would do well for those of you who haven't experienced it to remember that - just sayin'), get over my feelings of 'I'm so disgusting and a royal slut' (see note above), and that disgusting feeling when my husband touches me the same way my sexual abuser did (again,see note above), I might get over all this.
I was able to 'get past' a lot of 'THE PAST' when my body reacted normally to my desire for my husband, but when my libido died, I found myself unable to do so anymore. Suddenly, it became more about the abuse than it did the man I wanted to please. I can't explain why or how that happened. All I know is that's what's happened, and I want to make it go away.
My T has suggested confronting my abuser. I found him (amazing how easy it is to find someone these days, isn't it?) and what I really want to do is to ambush him (like he did to me so many times when no one else was around) publicly. I wonder what his latest wife would think about that. Oh, and here's the TRULY creepy part...in my internet research, I discovered that after 27 years since my mother's divorce from him, and in spite of the fact that SHE KNOWS what he did to me, she still talks to him. How sick is that?
Thanks so much for your input bighands.
WW