Thank you so much for the thoughtful response!

No, I don't suffer fools and I am not a phony. I think that sometimes the negativity comes out but I also (because I have pushed so many people away with my anger and negativity) work very hard to subvert it when I really feel depressed. I was told early in my life that my face is an open book--this I can't help. It's my face, lol. It takes a heck of a lot of energy to be cognizant of your expressions 24/7 and when you don't feel well, and you're an "open book," it'll be there. But I think I also just have "RBF" (Resting B Face, hahaha) and look like I'm in a mood when I'm not. I've been told to smile/stop being so grumpy when I'm in a perfectly happy mood (also, who made you king of my facial expressions?? Because it's usually a male telling me to smile. )

The feedback I've gotten from coworkers (I use them so often because I'm around them so often) is that I'm a positive person with a big heart. First time someone (whom I respect) said that I looked at them and was like, "Um, have you actually met me? But it's true, I have a big heart. I try to be positive in the work setting. I have a wry, sarcastic, sometimes morbid sense of humor but none of those things have any bearing on the former.

Anyway. Thanks again for the response. I feel alright now. I think it's because I got a few nights of normal sleep. I have a little bit of perspective, and am thinking a little more clearly. I'm not totally out of the woods, but I can at least see my way. I have made an appointment to get back with a therapist (and I think this one is going to be really good) and my goal is to work on issues which I never even really talked about in the past few decades with T's (because it was too difficult/shame inducing), namely my body image issues, history of eating disorder, shame/guilt, and obsessive thinking. It's gonna be hard. But I think it's gonna be worth it.