I've typed this post over and over. Deleted over and over. Took a nap, wrote again. Well here it goes. I'm addicted to suboxone. I know that suboxone is prescribed for opiate withdraw/addiction however this is not my case. My brother started self medicating on suboxone when he was addicted to pain killers. For the longest time I was against it. Just another prescription med causing trouble. Well I was dating an abusive asshole at this time and I was drinking every single day. I wanted to quit drinking but the physical withdraw was more than I could handle so my bf said "here, try this!" And handed me a little sliver of suboxone. At first I was scared because I was always against this med but once it kicked in, I was hooked. I felt incredible stable energy and was just flat out happy! So from time to time I would take a little piece of his sub for a little pick me up. Well it wasn't until I tried to stop taking it, did I find I was physically dependant on it. And to top it off, I was still drinking. Well that guy came and went in a messy breakup and I was left to find subs on my own. So there's my brother who is addicted too. At this point I'm no longer getting a buz, I was just taking it to be "straight". So my brother and I would often go hunt down subs together just to keep withdrawal at bay. Here I am years later typing this with yet a piece of sub under my tongue and tears in my eyes. Btw, I did quit drinking this past May. I had to detox in a hospital setting. My brother and I have managed to befriend people just because they had a prescription and wanted to make some cash. Now I know what everyone is thinking... Stay away from my brother. Easier said than done. He's my brother! I admit we have a sick relationship. We call each other about every morning to plan when and how we can score our next subs. I've tried to quit but the physical withdraw puts me in the ground. Cold sweats, insomnia, everything you would expect from an opiate withdraw. And to make it worst, the half life of suboxone is very long so the withdraw lasts even longer than other opiates. So I've tried to taper down without luck because I have such a lack of self control. It's like I NEED someone to take it from me and only give it to me when I'm so sick. This addiction is so pointless and wasteful. Like I said, I don't even get a buzz anymore. And bravo for those who successfully quit opiates with suboxone but In reality, it's a replacement and not a cure. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by writing this. I guess I just need to get it out there and start being honest with myself. I don't know what to do at this point. How do you treat withdrawal from a drug that is supposed to treat withdraw?! Not many options there. This really is a nasty drug and I think if someone is addicted to opiates then it's better to deal with the withdrawal rather than turn to suboxone. I wish I could go back to the very minute my ex handed it to me and just say no.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN