i dont read in this forum because i cant stand entering a forum and not reading every single post thats in it. if i dont im afraid of missing stuff so i intentionally dont read forums i cant keep up with so i intentionally miss stuff instead of accidently. go figure. i was going to post this in general and then realised thats not right because it really belongs here. i dont feel i have a right to post anything anywhere right now, especially not in a forum i dont even read in but im reaching out because ive at least gotten to a place these days where i realise that is a solution sometimes and also i figure if i do and no one responds at least it clears up for me the doubt that everyone avoids me. im just back from T. im so depressed i can hardly move. i cant think. i dont know what to feel about anything. i dont understand myself. why do i always tell my T half the story and not the rest? its not like the parts i leave out are important its just then that after i leave i feel like she only has half the picture and i worry then that she doesnt understand. why also do i have these urges that seem to drive my whole life? i cant get away from them and i cant talk about them. im scared im sabotaging myself. i know i am. i just dont know why or how to stop. im scared im attention seeking. seeking for someone to love me and for some comfort. why would i do that? i have people who love me and i can get some comfort sometimes when i need it so why is this not enough? what is it im looking for from people and why cant i stop needing it or give it to myself like you re supposed to? why do i dwell so thoroughly on certain pains from the past? am i magnifying them out of all proportion? is it me thats torturing myself and not the events/people from the past? i dont feel like im ever going to get this figured out. why does this **** keep on and on and on and on and on coming back?