Have you ever considered that not quitting, and instead continuing to see this woman twice a week for months on end, could actually be searing pathways of pain into your brain? Something that could easily be gotten over if you made healthier choices for yourself is becoming something irreparable and hideously toxic, because you've grabbed a hot coal and you've also convinced yourself that you have to hold onto it, because letting it go would somehow be weakness. It's burned through the outer layers of your skin, through the lower epidermal layer, and now its taking your flesh, but you're just SO convinced that if you hold on long enough everything will be okay.

It won't. You're going to end up with a bloody big hole in your metaphorical hand.

I mean, come on. It was hugs. I totally get that it sucked to lose them. Her response sucked too. But this hanging on for months and months and months, rehashing, reliving, re-experiencing the pain over and over again?

At this point, it's like the pain and the toxicity of the relationship is familiar to you. Your posts state that you don't even believe that it could be better if you stopped anymore. You're almost brainwashed into thinking that you NEED her.

The longer this goes on, the more frankly disturbing it becomes. Because where she once was the abuser, now your brain is telling you that you MUST keep seeing her. That there's merit and some kind of bravery and some kind of positivity. There's not. You're just getting hurt.

Your posts are tragic to me at this point. It's like watching someone beat themselves bloody because they've been told it's good for them. There must surely be some part of you with the self-esteem to know that this is messed up and not okay, surely?