WARNING: Possible trigger if you have issues being touched/restrained.

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I had t today. . .was almost actually looking forward to it. We'd decided to hold off on the "play" therapy until he comes back from vacation, b/c he doesn't want to get into something and then suddenly have to take a break from it. I like that idea too. We spoke earlier today, b/c a friend from PC emailed him some information and he wanted to be sure it was ok to talk about it with her. So anyway. . .all in all, I figured this would be more or less an "admin" day. Catch up, talk about the light stuff, you know?

WRONG

I get there, and I'm ok for the most part. I feel sort of weird, but chalk it up to the heat. When it dawns on me that someone is trying to pop up (at least thats what it felt like) I kept talking to him (rambling really) so that I could stay in the moment. It ended up in this horrible anxiety thing. I started shaking, all of a sudden, just shaking and couldn't stop it. I felt like I couldn't breathe, the room was spinning. I was so afraid. He reached out to take the paperclip out of my hand (I'd been bending it back and forth) and that's the last thing I recall. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the couch, he is sitting on the couch right beside me with his hands on my arms, speaking slowly and calmly to me. I can see his lips moving, but it took a minute for me to hear him. After about ten minutes, I was alright enough to sit up, and pull myself together. The time passed? Close to 25 minutes. That really shook me up. BIG TIME. I asked him, "What happened?" He made me check my sugar first, brought me something to drink, all that stuff before he'd talk to me. Sugar was fine, cold drink definately helped. I was thinking, "Did I have a seizure or something?" He said when he reached out to take the paper clip from me, I knocked the hell out of him. He didn't see it coming. I hit him, and then reached for his desk, where he keeps this really cool letter opener. He said he was steadily talking to me, but eventually had to just grab me and pull me away forecfully. At that point, I sort of went limp and he put me on the couch. It took a while for me to come around.

I am only very recently dx'ed with DID tendencies. I dont' even have an official diagnosis yet. . . So, all of this really FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT.

He kept me for a while longer, to make sure I was ok. Thing is, I felt fine. Better than I had when I came in.

Now I feel like crap. He laughed and told me I had a hell of a right hook and when I left his face was already beginning to bruise. Lovely. I decked my therapist. Isn't that against the rules somewhere?

I feel like crap. Somebody tell me I'm not utterly and completely %#@&#!. Please.