So, from the point at which my PD and MI began to manifest, to the point at which I realized that something was wrong with me, pretty everything was "normal" to me. As in it was my normal, you know? Life was rough, for sure, but I didn't see things in terms of normal vs abnormal, or "that's a normal thing" vs "that's a mental illness" thing. I was just rolling with the punches, trying to survive and get along in life.

And then at that latter point, suddenly it was like, "Okay that is actually not normal, and neither is that, or that," etc. And although it didn't quite dawn on me at the time, it was the first time in my life that I looked at things in terms of normal vs abnormal. It was a new layer to all of my perceptions, a layer that hadn't existed before. And what came with it, was the realization that for a long time, I had been unable to tell what was normal and abnormal. Which furthermore cast a perpetual shadow over everything, because then how could I tell if I am able to tell what is normal and abnormal? Pretty trippy ****.

And then came the experience of having various people act like they had the answers and the solutions, ranging from friends to family to doctors to therapists to psychiatrists to people writing stuff I found on the internet to books in the library and beyond. So at first I was like okay, I can't tell, but other people can, so it's chill. But I went from one diagnosis to another. Generalized Anxiety. PTSD. Depression. DID. Bipolar Disorder. Etc. (Ironically enough nobody ever picked up on the BPD despite how blatantly obvious it was, or maybe it was denial because of stigma, who knows.) I've also been through multiple therapists and tried multiple medications.

So by now it's like, I can't tell whether or not I can tell what is normal or not normal, and nobody else can, either. Pretty much everyone else is just like me when it comes to my issues: they often think they know what is wrong, and how to fix it, but they don't.

I have actually been on a lot of forums over the years, and just like it has been with different therapists, all that changes are the words, but not the reality. There have been times when I would have said, "I'm experiencing a panic attack" and times when I would have said "I'm experiencing hyperarousal" and now it's "I'm experiencing a mixed state." With another type of experience, there are times when I would have said, "I'm experiencing disassociation" and times when it would have been "I'm experiencing flashbacks" and times when it would have been "I'm getting intrusive OCD thought/imagery issues" and now it's "I'm experiencing a mixed state and/or psychosis".

But then there are moments like now when honest to goodness I have no ****ing idea what is wrong with me, or how to fix it, and it all just feels like a big crazy joke.

I just also wonder about other people I see positing online sometimes. Like if someone were to come here and post about not being able to sleep and having racing thoughts, I would be like, "Sounds like hypo/mania" and if they seemed to be in crisis I would be like, "You should seek out treatment" of course meaning psychiatry. But that's because that is my current understanding of things, which is subject to change at any time, so it seems.

Anyone else just sometimes get this sort of "derealization" for yet another word? Like it's all just a big sea of words and guesses, but we are all totally lost in the dark at the end of the day?