I miss my dad. Almost everyday. And I can't help but think it should have been my mom. And I'm mad at her for living, and for not being better to my dad when he was around, and just in general for being a pretty ****** person. But then I feel horribly guilty, because even if she won't admit it, I know she's got a mental health problem, and she's hurting too, and also because blaming someone else for how I'm feeling is something I learned from her and I hate myself for doing it. I thought that time passing would lessen these feelings, but it turns out they are getting worse.

It has been over 4 years, and I feel angrier today than I did last year. In fact I feel angry at everything and everyone, even my own kids I have no patience with. And I have to wonder - is this just normal grief that I'm dealing with, or is everything complicated with an undiagnosed mental illness? I have no idea, but my life is a series of depression, rage, euphoria, numbness... .rinse/repeat. I would take the depression and the numbness in order to also have the euphoria, but the rage... its hurting my family. It has to stop.