Hey there,

I've been thinking a lot about identity and how to become 'myself' lately.. I've suffered from dissociation - as a child, I kind of had to put myself on the shelf and only focus on surviving the bad environment I grew up in.. Now that I've done a lot of work in therapy and on my own to become more 'whole', I realise I don't really know who I am, or what 'identity' even means!

Just now, I was reading about people's opinions on 'calm' people and I realised that even though I've always been described as calm, I'm really not. I'm scared, nervous, fidgety - that's not calm! But I've been able to fake it pretty well, I think..

I've held this notion that extraversion is good, introversion not so much but some people do like those who are quieter - and then insecurity, fears etc. are pathological and people really do not like others who are like this.. For the longest time, I tried to become more open and sociable, but it never felt like 'me'. Now, I've been holding onto that description that I'm calm as my last saving grace - but now, I have to admit I'm not even that.

So, this is me coming out of my insecurity closet - and I don't even mind so much anymore! I couldn't help becoming nervous and scared - developing PTSD. And there are things I can do to fix this (because I really want to as this is an incredibly stressful way to live, always being on your toes..) but I'm not going to hate myself anymore for being insecure! I'm pretty sure everyone is, in the beginning, and some have people right then and there to tell them they're OK exactly as they are. I didn't, but I can and will find those people now - and am done being ashamed of having to ask for people to notice and accept me It's just something that didn't happen when it was supposed to because the people around me didn't care/hadn't been accepted themselves so they couldn't do it for me either, and didn't know how to ask for help so they could learn..

So, it's all good - I'm good, for now, as my insecure self