Hi Blue. Sorry you are off your pills. Staying on the medication the doctor prescribed is one way to stay more stable emotionally.

If you have these strong feelings, please consider forming a safety plan. There are ways to cope with these kinds of stress, like self care and having a safety plan in case you find yourself in a crisis of confidence. Here is more on a safety plan that includes numbers for crisis lines that serve your area.
Psych Central - Search results for Safety plan

Common Hotline Phone Numbers | Psych Central

For depression this intense, I would highly recommend a therapist and or psychiatrist, but if that is not possible, I would like to recommend a resource here at Psych Central that you can send in a question, and get a reply from the therapist as their time allows. Here is the link for that. Ask the Therapist

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com
Depression support chat is Thursday at 9PM EST but need 5 posts to enter forum.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.