It has taken me years to find the reason for why I am the way I am when it comes to my relationships with people. I do believe the way I was raised has absolutely everything to do with me developing such a fear.

My parents are divorced, and have been since I was 3. But the problem didn't begin until my dad remarried and we moved to a different city. To keep a long story short, my dad and step mom were alcoholics who threatened divorced almost weekly. They were both verbally abusive to each other and sometimes even physically. For some reason, they both chose me to be their mediator and counselor. I'd learn about affairs and suicide threats and be constantly told "you dont love me" because I'd have no choice but to side with my step mom to avoid fueling the fire. It became so manipulative. I felt like I was walking on egg shells 24/7. I'd have to bear the weight of their VERY adult problems from the age of 12-17. I was fighting with my dad all the time because I had given up on trying to help them. In all the years I lived there we were ALWAYS put second to their marriage. By the end, I was not coping well and was struggling with reoccurring depression and anxiety. So I decided to put myself first and move out and live with my mom.

I never realized how badly I was affected by their marriage until now. I used to have interests in dating and have crushes when I was younger. But the older I got the more I began to avoid it completely. I am now incapable of showing affection and receiving it without going into a near full blown panic. On the few times I've been asked on dates I'd either accept only to have a panic attack the day of or a couple days before and cancel, or go and be having a silent panic attack the entire time. There was a time a boy kissed my cheek and I was so uncomfortable. And to make the situation more weird, II actually liked this person back. But I ultimately destroyed our friendship and any chance of us being together out of fear.

I am now 19 and have never been in a relationship, let alone even kissed someone. I'm now almost disgusted and ashamed by the idea of myself dating. Like, even the idea of sex is soooo unsettling to me. So I don't even make the attempt. This also effects friendships because it's 100x harder keeping people around when I dont trust them. It's awful. I've dealt with years upon years of guilt because of this.

Even though I've kind of come to accept and be comfortable being on my own (and quite frankly dont care that much), I still need to get over this because, when that day comes when I DO meet someone, I dont want to be crippled with fear and destroy our chances. And when It comes to friendship, I've lost all but 1 of my friends, and even her and I talk every few months and see each other twice a year...and we live 20 minutes apart.

What can I do? I cant keep this up. How do you cope?