I will admit that I've been living behind a facade of happiness, for I don't know how long. It takes up so much of my energy to express happiness and enthusiasm.

I feel like I have to explain my whole life story in order to fully elaborate on my dilemma here, but I'll try not to. In a nutshell, my social life growing up was awful. Basically, I felt neglected by everyone. That created a longing for acceptance, and it made me horrible at handling rejection.

With that said, I currently feel like a complete and emotional mess, and it's partly because I'm falling back into the same cycle of meeting someone and then trying to befriend them--only to come face-to-face with rejection again. It's been over a month for this situation specifically, and I feel so defeated.

It's tearing me down and bringing to the surface so much negative emotions that I've been burying deep down (I have trouble expressing my emotions). I feel like these buried emotions are making me a bad person. This past weekend, I walked through an art festival and I felt a rage of impatience that I've never felt before. I wanted to push people out of the way, kind of rage. It really worried me afterwards.

I've made numerous attempts to relieve the problem (exercise, medication, meditation, etc.) But, I always end up back to where I started. I stopped the medication (after half a week) because the side effects scared me half to death, so I would prefer to avoid medication.

I absolutely hate feeling like this, but at the same time I feel so tired trying to be happy and upbeat, only to fall back into a negative state. I'm constantly striving to make myself better. I long for a magnetic personality, but this dilemma is preventing that.

How do I handle this?