So this is my current situation. I'm sad. I wouldn't consider myself to be "depressed" because I don't get half of the symptoms other people get on this site. I know before (in my other episodes) I would get crying spells, psychomotor retardation, and all those other "physical" symptoms. Yet this time around I don't get those. Sure sometimes I do feel like crying but I don't cry.

I'm sad. And it's so pathetic because I don't even have a proper reason for it. I wake up and I think about death. I go to sleep and I think about death. I think about killing myself quite a bit.


I feel like as if I cheated life. Like God doesn't love me anymore. Like I was supposed to die years ago and I didn't die. Like I'm living past the time God had set for me. I feel like I'm living unnecessarily. I'm living past the time I was due to die.

I've even went to the extent of thinking about planning it. (AND NO I AM NOT CURRENTLY IN A CRISIS. Don't worry). So currently I'm just living to get the day over with. Just waiting for the day to pass. I want to die.

But even then I wouldn't categorize myself as being depressed. I'm sad for no apparent reason with the thoughts of dying (been going on for 2 months now). Yes, I can still smile and still crack my usual jokes from time to time but that doesn't mean I no longer want to die. It seems like only those with major depression can get treated. I'm probably not even on that spectrum right now. I sometimes even feel like it's not even a mental illness causing this for me. Like I just am this way and should stop trying to look for other ways I can say is causing my thoughts when really I'm just pathetic and I am this way. Like it's in my nature to want to die and it has nothing to do with brain chemistry. Like it's just me.

I've even messed up my eating habits. I'm purposely eating very little (barely anything in a day). I'm looking for ways to cause me pain. And I also think to myself "Am I actually a person worthy of eating?". I'm trying to make myself weak. I want to collapse. I'm hoping to cause myself pain. I'm praying to die. I can't stand myself.

I'm tired... I'm just... tired.