Not sure where to go with this.

I'm torn between a side of myself that find the spiritual, the metaphysical, the unexplained, the irrational utterly fascinating and beautiful...and the careful thinker who's been basically taught (socially) that all of those things are nonsense for stupid, weak-minded, illogical people who don't properly understand science and need delusional superstitions to make sense of reality.

I've been tooling around online and developed an interest in a subject that rather necessitates spiritual improvement. I can't bring myself, though, to take much on faith (and it bothers me how much "evidence" in favor of the spiritual existing is either taken by parapsychologists or spiritual teachers, or is actual science "twisted and misinterpreted" according to scientists and scientifically-minded people. The word "energy" is the first thing that comes to mind, or how people twist quantum physics as evidence of spiritual realms...). I can't accept that the rational and spiritual operate in some kind of separate realms where one doesn't have to abide by the other. Even though I want to. I want to so badly. But then, any effect I experience will just be my mind tricking me, or a placebo effect, and I'll be ridiculous. At best, I look at it as symbolic...but that's not enough, I know that.

I'm more afraid of consequences than anything. More afraid of being seen as stupid and backward (including viewing myself that way), irrational and illogical. And therefore a terrible person.

I'm not religious, not Christian. So any "let go, let God" isn't going to mean much to me. But I guess I wonder...how can I open myself up more and let myself experiment with less shame and fewer mental blocks?