Hey guys,

For the large majority of my life I have had a sense of isolation or loneliness. It has been getting more and more intense as I have grown older and over the last few years (I'm 19 now) it has occasionally spiked. When it spikes I feel just awful. I feel like no one understands me and I'm weird, I feel emotions that I don't understand, start to put myself down and sometimes end up crying.

I can get this feeling at any time, even when I'm with friends. When I'm with people I am distracted from the feeling however it is still there. When I'm with people I dread the moment when I'll be alone again and the thought of being in my room on my own afterwards almost gives me a sense of fear.

Lately I've started an apprenticeship and due to the hours and the fact some of my friends have left for university I'm getting far less social interaction than what I'm used to so its making me feel a lot worse. Not to mention one of my friends has basically left me too, I posted another thread on that for some advice.

Recently it got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore so despite my hesitation I reached out to two friends, one of which was supportive, the other is the one that has now left me (she didn't have much to say). Talking to my supportive friend made me feel much better because I finally had someone to come too. He was very surprised because he has known me since we were 5 and he said I'm a very sociable, happy and friendly person.

I feel like when I'm with people I'm a happy guy but once I've not been around people for a while, I start to become the exact opposite to my usual self. I become sad, hopeless and cut myself off.

As a person I crave social interaction and approval from people. During school I acted in plays and my friends would often say when the audience applauds it makes it all worth it but that wasn't the case for me, I felt nothing, I just did it because I enjoyed the actual acting. I'm like this for most things, my step dad says fixing something makes him feel really good so when I fix a computer I must feel happy about that but I don't. Yeah I'm relieved it works but I don't feel anything more than that.

Pretty much the only time I feel I don't know, proud, or satisfied is when people approve of me or let me know how much they value me.

If its connected, my parents split before I was born and I've lived with my mum and step dad all my life. I've met my dad multiple times though and really dislike him.

I don't entirely know what I want from typing this all out, I guess I'm just looking for some opinions from you guys as to what I'm experiencing or why I'm experiencing it but I appreciate any replies, thanks.