This is a big change, yes. While I can't say that I've ever been truly empathetic (odd for a nurse, but I'm in the ICU so I'm allowed to be mechanical), it wasn't until after the birth of my 2nd child that I became "mentally ill". I had post pardum psychosis...anorexia, bulimia, bipolar.

I've worked to be "normal" my whole life. I don't know what is an act. But recently, I stopped blending in anymore. I stopped trying to fit in for other people. . Something snapped? Maybe? It didn't happen conscious level. Changes have been coming slowly.

I got suspended and put on probation at work for "not successfully integrating interpersonally with the PICU team", among other infractions. Never had this complaint before. Probation for not giving a snit about bonding with others.

Prior to that, I shaved half of my head. Goodbye to a good first impression. I think it's cute. I've had tattoos prior, but I've gotten 2 full arm sleeves over the past 6 months. I no longer find what others think of important. That's very, VERY odd for me.

My identity says that I'm a mother (albeit an odd one), a wife of 15 years, and I have always attempted to fit in and be helpful, even if I didn't succeed. I strove to be the best. Frequently, I've been the best but didn't dwell on it.

I mean jeez, last week I wanted to play with death. I started injecting various IV drugs; to see how close I could get to death. Got close, ended up in the hospital. Was recommended a 12 wk stay at a specialty hospital to work on my "axis two diagnoses". Uh, yeah. Nope.

So yeah, something big has changed. I don't know what either. Maybe depersonalization? But I seriously question the NPD diagnosis. I mean, I do feel fairly dead inside, but not at all depressed. I just no longer give a snit.

Shrink is even prescribing oxytocin nose spray for my "blunted emotion". Just makes no damn sense at all.

I'm not manic. Not depressed. So what the hell is going on?


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