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gostryter said:
how do you reconcile the two...the abusive and loving...

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i don't. my father abused me emotionally, physically, and perhaps sexually when i was a child. the sexual abuse is a hazy memory - the physical abuse stopped when i turned 17 and realized i was bigger than him and showed him i was willing to fight back. the emotional abuse continued through my 30s until i basically banned him from showing up at my front door unannounced, and now that i've put 400 miles between us...that's unlikely to be a problem anymore. my mothers treatment of me was kinda like passive abuse. she's got undiagnosed ocd and depression...so growing up, my experience with her was pretty evenly divided between me not correctly fitting into her ocd world, and getting the blame for her depressive episodes. and of course she was far too wrapped up in her own troubles to even notice what her husband was doing to the kids. growing up, I was the one with problems - I was the one going to shrinks, but it was my parents who had the problems, really, and my problems were the collateral damage. in all fairness, i will say something positive about my mother - she's always been appreciative of my art, but i don't feel that quite makes up for the rest.

gee - i kinda got off topic here. to continue in that vein , these days my parents buy me stuff i want/need that i couldn't afford on my own, and i let them. i don't know if they're expecting anything in return, though whenever they do try to attach conditions to their gifts i just tell 'em i'd just as soon not have it and refuse to discuss it further. if i get it, fine. if i don't, fine. i don't expect anything from them, but whatever they contribute i'm willing to take as partial restitution for their past crimes against me. i don't tell them this, as they've indicated in the past they don't care to revisit the conditions that brought about my personality disorders, so i suppose in effect they're buying my silence on the subject. but then too, i don't see any point in discussing it with them anymore - it leads nowhere.

so we act out our little play of the happy well-adjusted family. i get along okay with them as long as visits are brief. when we part, they say they love me (my father faking it and my mother believing it), and i flatly mumble a return "love you" - a courtesy, like 'thankyou...you're welcome'.

i'll never forget, and i don't think i'll ever forgive either. so no reconcilation here.