Thread: T Let Me Down
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Old Nov 11, 2015, 02:01 PM
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skysblue skysblue is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2011
Location: Northern California
Posts: 2,885
I want to thank everyone who offered their ideas on this post. You’ve helped me a lot. That’s why I’m grateful the PsychCentral exists. Although the support is out there in the ‘ether’, it’s real support nonetheless.

Can I share with you my process of coping the past 3 days? Although it usually isn’t a good story if you know how it ends, I will still fast forward to 18 hours ago. (hmmm, is it possible to fast-forward to the past? Lol). I mean, fast-forward the story.

18 hours ago, peace descended upon me – in regards to my ex-gf and my T. I now feel like a newborn baby. The baby exits the womb crying with pain. It’s been through the most difficult experience – being born. It was safe and comfortable being cocooned within her mother but it’s not possible to stay where there’s no possibility of real human life – life in which one grows and expands and learns. Life in the outside world where bumping into each other can hurt but also where communion with each other can be enriching and satisfying and joyful.

I feel like I was just birthed. Those 2 ½ days were excruciating and I didn’t know or didn’t even think that there would be a life beyond the pain. I imagine the birthing baby feels the same way.

But, I’ve come to the other side. And, I now know the pain was worth it. Self- reflection can be grueling. Absolute honesty with oneself can be terrifying.

Sunday I got knocked down in a very painful way. Part of the pain was that I had decided to embrace vulnerability with my now ex-gf. It wasn’t a new practice but I went towards some deeper risk where I hadn’t gone before.

I was very scared of exposing myself completely but I pushed through because I ‘preach’ the practice of total honesty while at the same time finding it difficult to always embrace.

Well, my self-exposure didn’t turn out the way I had expected. Instead, I felt like I got kicked in the teeth and thrown to the ground with my mouth bloody and filled with dirt and grit.

It was probably one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had. My inner animal was howling in agony. I needed some help- some soothing. There was no one to talk to. Only my T knows my story and would know how utterly devastating my experience was. And, naturally, I reached out to her because she’s helped me so much in the past. She’s whom I lean on when I can’t stand up by myself.

Lately I haven’t needed to lean on her much. I’ve learned how to respond to the challenges life can bring in more wholesome and balanced ways.

Sunday I was knocked off my feet and needed some help to get up. When T didn’t even acknowledge that she heard me, my day got doubly excruciating. And, the interesting part of this is that I directed my pain more towards her than to my ex-gf. Although a part of me knew that was unfair, my therapist has always encouraged me to be real with my emotions and especially emotions towards her. She believes that emotions directed towards our therapists are representative of issues in the other parts of our lives.

So, I began to feel ‘hate’ towards my T which was actually feelings of ‘hate’ towards my ex-gf. This is a transference that is not uncommon. T provided a direction for me to throw my darts. She even texted me after I told her that I was mad at her – “Would love to have you mad at me”. She knows very well how ‘rich’ (as she calls it), this kind of transference can be.

So, how did I get through the fire? There was a part of me that wanted escape from the pain so much that I toyed with the idea of finding some alcohol and drinking myself into a stupor (and I don’t drink) or to take some sleeping pills and to sleep the rest of my life away or to do something radical like running away and getting lost to never be found again.

I did not entertain those ideas seriously because I knew they wouldn’t work. I may drown the pain temporarily but it won’t be permanently relieved by those make-shift approaches.

I decided to reach out to the ‘guru’ of vulnerability, Brene Brown, to try to understand why vulnerability is a good thing. I had read one of her books some time ago and had watched some of her talks on YouTube. I knew her lesson was that vulnerability is necessary but I couldn’t remember why the pain that might accompany vulnerability is good.

So, I guess I was angry at Brene Brown too. In my opinion she had some answering to do. And, d.mn it, she’s better come up with some good answers.

I downloaded onto my Kindle Sunday night (I didn’t want to wait to purchase a book on Monday), “Rising Strong”. I can’t tell you how much that book has made a difference.

While reading it, I felt my perspective shifting and I began to engage in some honest self-inquiry. I also began to question the ‘story’ around the painful incident. (Bryon Katie has a lot to say about our ‘stories)

I kept pushing for the ‘truth’. How had I contributed to the incident? How had my ‘story’ made the incident more painful? What was really going on?

I could have stayed stuck in blame and accusation and remained a victim for the rest of my life. But I didn’t like the feelings I was having. I didn’t like the anger or the resentment. I don’t want to be that kind of person. (I do understand that anger is a part of us that must be acknowledged but we do not need to live our lives there)

I wanted to get through the pain – not suppress it, not bury it, not smother it, not hide it. Getting through it means that I would be free of its enslavement.

But emotions are tricky. They’re hard to figure out. We come at them with a frontal charge and we’re defeated in vanquishing them. We try to ignore them and they push themselves forward. We try to imprison them but their threat is always there. So, how to make friends with emotions so that they can teach us about ourselves is one big mystery to me.

But, something worked for me this time. I credit Brene Brown, my own intense investigation, and you folks at PC for helping me pass through the fire.

Yesterday afternoon, the heavy cloak of anger, resentment, pain, blame was lifted from me. It just dissolved. I don’t know why or how but like I said in previous paragraph, I think it was all about challenging the painful story I had become attached to.

So, I called my ex-gf and we had a great chat and we’ll be able to remain friends. I can do it because I understand better. And I will be seeing my T this afternoon and will share with her this story too.
Hugs from:
Cinnamon_Stick, LonesomeTonight, rainbow8, scallion5, Serzen, unaluna, wotchermuggle
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight, rainbow8, scallion5, unaluna, wotchermuggle