Hello rgoldst2: I am so sorry to read of your struggle. I've been there a few times too. So I have some idea of what you're experiencing. I've "lied" to the mental health professionals in my life about how I was feeling as well... or, perhaps it wasn't so much "lying", as it was just keeping the bad stuff to myself. I have to admit that even if I want to talk about really dark stuff, I find that I just reflexively put a smile on my face & say that I'm okay. I just don't seem to be able to bring myself to bring up what's really going on.

My experience has been that the more I try to suppress, or get rid of, dark thoughts the more they seem to haunt me. So what I try to do is to allow them to come up, I breathe into them, smile, & then allow them to fade away as they will. Sometimes I will put my hand over my heart as a sign to myself of my lovingkindness toward myself. As my signature quote below says: "In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition, demons are accepted with compassion."

Obviously it would be great if you could open up to the mental health professionals in your life with regard to what is going on with you. But I do understand your concern with regard to hospitalization as well. So if you can't or just are determined not to talk openly with your doctors about what's going on with you, hopefully there is someone else you can reach out to for support. Even calling a suicide-prevention hotline could perhaps be comforting. In some way or another you need to take some positive steps to relieve the pressure that is building up inside you. In my own case, I have not done this in the past & ultimately it led me into dangerous territory. So please try to reach out to someone in some way or other. And also, keep posting, here on PC. It can help too.

I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find the center of deep peace that resides within each of us. I know it most probably seems very much absent at the present time. But it is there.