I'm having such an awful time after therapy today.

She told me that after specializing in BPD for 10 yrs in an inner city hospital, she's only seen a handful of people who SH as badly as I do. She said I need something where I can have help all week instead of once a week because it would be negligent of her to keep letting me risk my life or lose the use of a hand. I feel so sick, scared, too much to handle. We went over by half an hour with her telling me that she's doing this BECAUSE she cares, but it's really hard to hear. All of it.

We're going to try a program where I can still see her as my therapist but go more often, but it's not really for people as sick as she and my pdoc think I am. If I cut again, I will definitely be forced into the 2 year full time program because I'm a danger to myself.

It's so hard to not see this as a rejection or an abandonment or as being "too much." She said her hands are tied because I need more help but the hospital won't let her see me more often or talk to me on the phone. She thinks I need help every day, even though she's really experienced with SH and my other issues, she can't give me what I need in thr confines of the program she works in.

I'm mad at myself and scared and worried snd hurt. I can keep seeing her as long as I don't harm myself again and attend the other program. I'm afraid of slipping up and being sent to the 2 year full timr program and getting ANOTHER therapist. The last thing I feel like is trying to trust someone else. She spent an hour and a half trying to explain to me she's doing this because she cares and because she's scared, but it's hard for it to sink in.

It's hard because I feel like she just held a mirror up and was like, "look how sick you are and how much danger you're in." Plus my abandonment issues are triggered so bad.

Everything this year is just too hard.