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Originally Posted by Softballjunkie8
Thank you all so very much! I have mentioned to him about the emtional affair and he says he "doesn't" believe in that stuff. He said he know his boundaries and I have to trust him. We have been fighting about this non stop since it happened and last night came to the brink of the divorce because I asked him if she knew he was married and he said no! He doesn't want to tell her either! If this was innocent why doesn't she know?!
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Ok he knows where his boundaries are but do YOU know? I don't see the harm in having a conversation along the lines of "what do you consider cheating?" Especially if he doesn't "believe" in emotional affairs which is BS. I can "not believe" in cars, it doesn't make them less real. Some men, and women for that matter, think that you have to have full on sexual intercourse to cheat. Is a kiss cheating? Is oral sex cheating? I knew someone once who thought getting was ok but giving was not... If you aren't on the same page as your partner it can cause huge issues.
Not wanting her to know he's married? HUGE GIGANTIC RED FLAG. Huge. Why the hell would be not want her to know?? I can't think of a legitimate excuse for that.
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Originally Posted by Softballjunkie8
He got MAD! He said that I have to trust him more and that she doesn't mean anything.
So to wrap this up...I told him he HAD to tell her he was married...he then said I was controlling. I feel no matter what I do or say he is going to contact this woman. He said he would tell her he was married at work today...like I believe that. Our marriage has been great up until this. I know it might be silly to freak out over texting but I'm so afraid this is going escalate into a full blown affair. I do nag him a lot so I don't know if I should to continue to ask him about her all the time or when he is home try to make things better so he doesn't feel the need to text/talk to her?? I really want our marriage to work and last night he cried to me and told me that he loved me and wanted it to work too...so confused...
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Nothing about your reaction is silly. He's ridiculous to tell you that you have to trust him to not do what you already know he's doing. He has to actually STOP DOING it for you to begin to trust him again. What he's really saying is that you're inconveniencing him with this because it's working really well for him to have this flirtation + you.
You are right that he's made it clear that no matter what you say or do he's going to text her. He's made it very clear that how you feel doesn't matter. It's not controlling to ask him to stop behavior that is bothering you. Asking him questions about it constantly will just lead to more conflict and he's already flat out lying to you so why keep asking? He will just keep lying. At this point you can't fix the relationship and make it work on your own, you both have to be invested. Regardless as to whether it's an affair, this is damaging your relationship so he can either a.) stop the texting and reinvest in your relationship, b.) continue texting and you just accept it because you want to stay married, or c.) end the marriage. You're at an impass.
My opinion - this is an affair, he's choosing texting her over your feelings and objections so he's made his choice. He would love to have his cake and eat it too, so you can decide if you want to put up with his s*** or give him an ultimatum. My dad had an emotional affair with a woman at work and my mother made him quit his job. Extreme, and it didn't fix their issues but it did eliminate the woman! If it were me, I'd say it's me or her, you can't have us both. If he refuses to choose, that's a decision, GTFO.