Ok he knows where his boundaries are but do YOU know? I don't see the harm in having a conversation along the lines of "what do you consider cheating?" Especially if he doesn't "believe" in emotional affairs which is BS. I can "not believe" in cars, it doesn't make them less real. Some men, and women for that matter, think that you have to have full on sexual intercourse to cheat. Is a kiss cheating? Is oral sex cheating? I knew someone once who thought getting was ok but giving was not... If you aren't on the same page as your partner it can cause huge issues.

Not wanting her to know he's married? HUGE GIGANTIC RED FLAG. Huge. Why the hell would be not want her to know?? I can't think of a legitimate excuse for that.


Nothing about your reaction is silly. He's ridiculous to tell you that you have to trust him to not do what you already know he's doing. He has to actually STOP DOING it for you to begin to trust him again. What he's really saying is that you're inconveniencing him with this because it's working really well for him to have this flirtation + you.

You are right that he's made it clear that no matter what you say or do he's going to text her. He's made it very clear that how you feel doesn't matter. It's not controlling to ask him to stop behavior that is bothering you. Asking him questions about it constantly will just lead to more conflict and he's already flat out lying to you so why keep asking? He will just keep lying. At this point you can't fix the relationship and make it work on your own, you both have to be invested. Regardless as to whether it's an affair, this is damaging your relationship so he can either a.) stop the texting and reinvest in your relationship, b.) continue texting and you just accept it because you want to stay married, or c.) end the marriage. You're at an impass.

My opinion - this is an affair, he's choosing texting her over your feelings and objections so he's made his choice. He would love to have his cake and eat it too, so you can decide if you want to put up with his s*** or give him an ultimatum. My dad had an emotional affair with a woman at work and my mother made him quit his job. Extreme, and it didn't fix their issues but it did eliminate the woman! If it were me, I'd say it's me or her, you can't have us both. If he refuses to choose, that's a decision, GTFO.