I wrote this to my new T

Dear New T

I know you don't respond to emails. I have to be honest with you.* I don't at all feel comfortable talking with you.**
After a visit I shouldn't feel like I want to go home and clean everything in sight.**
It isn't just the talking but I also feel uncomfortable just being in your office.* It is cluttered and seems very small and musty. I'm so anxious that I can't wait to leave and that's not a good feeling. Just all around I don't feel comfortable.

I know I emailed you and told you stuff I hadn't told anyone not even M but I did it because I was upset.* I know that sounds silly but it's true.* If I could take it back I would.**
I also don't like that you don't respond to emails.* Not even an acknowledgement of reading it.**
I'm not really sure what to do.*

I am just going to say, I told M I didn't feel comfortable with a woman therapist and he forced me into it without any say.*
The day I decide to see a woman therapist is the day I should decide to do that, not someone forcing me to do it.* That doesn't help, it just makes things worse.*
As I told(emailed) M I spoke to N about switching to you and she told me to give you a try and if I didn't feel comfortable, to then go back to M.* I know that will probably never happen. I can't say I'm Okay with that and the reason why I say that is because I had gone through 15 therapist (you make 16) before finding him. I knew my second visit he could be of great benefit to helping me with my OCD and anxiety and was helping me a great deal.* I took big steps with him and now I feel I am being pulled backwards and all the work and everything I have accomplished with him has been thrown down the drain.*
It took me six months to feel comfortable telling him everything. I trust him and that's a big deal for me to say* because that doesn't happen very often.*
One of my sessions with M,* he had upset me a great deal by something he said. Normally while thinking about it,* I would clean like no tomorrow, but I didn't. I left the house and went to Walmart at 2 in the morning.* And since that day,* whenever I felt upset or angry etc I did constructive things instead of cleaning and yes all because of M
I am really dumbfounded as to why he said he could not help me when he was, in fact more than anyone has ever helped me.*
Things have to be worked on one day at a time.* It took years to be where I am and it isn't going to get better over night.* If I have to keep looking for a therapist,* I will never get any where.**
Honestly,* yes I would like to have M back as my therapist. Reality,* probably not going to happen.

Just try and put yourself into my shoes for a minute.*
If your therapist "dumped" (metaphor) you after 8 months you would probably feel like nothing matters anymore and you wouldn't want to start over everything you have already accomplished. If I didn't feel he was helping me,* I would have left. Last month,* I have just felt like giving it all up,* because honestly, the thought of looking for another therapist scares me.*

I won't lie,* I like M,I feel comfortable with him and I feel I can be open to the fullest with him but that's as far as my feelings for him go, nothing more.

I don't know if there is another male therapist there. If there is maybe I could give him a shot.* Or just another woman and see how that goes,* but honestly I would prefer a man.*

I would just be cheating myself if I continued therapy with you and pretended everything was okay when it is not.*

I could keep my appointment with you to talk about this email,* however something really does need to be done.*
Thank you
RR

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