my head is splitting. headache for weeks and its getting worse yesterday and today. found a photo of my dog who died last month yesterday and i miss her so much. had T yesterday. told her my father had asked me to spend a night in a hotel just me and him to connect and she suggested i take the opportunity to tell him how i feel about him. i dont know if i can do that. it doesnt feel right to tell someone how much pain theyve caused. and if hes really genuine about trying to change now he might actually take it to heart. even if just for a minute. and mum has brought up several times that shes worried hes so depressed he might hurt himself and she asks me if its silly to think that so ive just been saying of course it is. hes too into self preservation above everything and everyone else to do that. i have no idea if thats true. hes also vindictive and might just see that as a great way to get revenge for not being the people we want him to be. or he might just be depressed enough and self pitying enough to give it all up. how am i supposed to know? but anyway now im afraid if i tell him truthfully maybe that will push him into doing something? either way i could well really hurt him. plus he could get mad and cut my financial support and then im screwed. did i mention my head is splitting? plus if i did talk to him im not sure i could do it without being cutting in my statements. im not sure i could do it respectfully.
plus i have an operation tomorrow and im scared. mostly im scared about the anesthetic because my friend told me whenever shes had a general she wakes up screaming. what if i do or say something i shouldnt when i wake up?
im having seriously strong urges to hurt myself recently. the only reason i havent cut is because i dont want the doctor to see fresh cuts tomorrow. i have such strong hatred for myself at the moment. i mean really strong. everything i do/think/say makes me sick. looking at myself makes me sick. i feel like a dishonest disgusting fraud. a piece of crap scum that should just be destroyed. i need to get stuff out. when will my f'ing head stop hurting!!!??