I'm a Registered Nurse working in Paediatric Intensive Care. I finished university nearly 4 years ago after completing a double degree in a Bachelor of Applied Science (Exercise and Sport Science) and a Master of Nursing.
I am considered a very attractive girl/woman who throughout adolescence and adulthood always had male attention. I had my first boyfriend aged 16 of which the relationship lasted 2 years, ending due to my overwhelming insecurity. I dated and had romantic interest but was against being in another relationship due to the way it made me feel like I always had to be on guard. I entered into another relationship aged 22 lasting nearly 1 year. I choose partners of whom possess qualities I find successful and attractive - such as unmatched intelligence, outgoingness or physical attractiveness due to the way I think it reflects on me.
Superficial interactions and relationships are generally easy for me but I pull away at the first sign of anything deeper where I may reveal flaws or become vulnerable.
I am an only child conceived through IVF, my parents were 36 and 41 respectively when I was born. I was never directly abused by them (and for the most part their marriage has been a happy one - they have recently celebrated 42 years of marriage)but during early childhood due to financial and career stress my parents would fight and drink every night and at times I would bare the brunt of verbal abuse. Although I know deep down my parents love me and would do anything for me, they did not compliment me in my young years and any positive achievement i.e. scoring 97% on a test was met with 'well what was the 3% you got wrong'.
I have recently had flashbacks of my paternal uncle (now deceased) sexually abusing me as a child.
I have debilitating self image issues despite positive feedback from others. I have massive issues with sex and intimacy and find it extremely difficult to relax and enjoy. I am acutely aware of my body during sex.
I have only had 2 sexual partners (the boyfriends listed above).
I have become isolated and 'enjoy' my own company largely - because I feel that's the only time I don't have to be on guard. I have recently (over 2 years) gained 20kg through being sedentary and binge eating. I am now working out with a trainer but still self sabotage through food - food is a comfort and produces a response I can rely on - it will always make me feel happy and safe whereas other things, like relationships, are unpredictable.
It has only been in the last few months - since returning from a 7 week holiday with 2 friends from work to Europe, on a tour with 44 people - that I have come to realise how avoidant I am. People I was with said their initial impression of me was a disinterested snob (as I was so quiet and withdrawn). I spent my days looking at the other girls who I thought were more attractive than me and outgoing and wanting to be like them. At nights I would drink in excess and act promiscuously.
Do you think I have AvPD?
What are your stories+coping mechanisms?