So, it's the day 2 of my walking body mutilation exhibition and it was going great, nobody bothered me, I was there at work, the original creation was there, it was a cleaner version 'cos I had a shower this morning.
Just to help you picture this, I wear long sleeve uniform shirt at work, I usually roll up only right arm, because of the tatoo I got done about a month ago. I know it'd be so hard for anyone to understand my mind, some of you may have read about me and my beard and what it means to me.
Some of you might also have a question like, "Are you a diagnosed bipolar?" One answer I could think of is I don't know what that
means to me. Off meds since the beginning of this year, been on SJW for a month now, and I didn't know I wasn't supposed to take that, or at least that is internet ppl say about my past diagnosis and the said herb. I was feeling the effect a bit, or not. I just didn't think the recommended dosage on the package wasn't enough so I upped the dosage to about a 1000 mg per day.
Is it a hypo inducer? That is a difficult question to answer. How long, how long have I been like this? I asked myself like an hour ago, and I just have a simple answer to anything right now. I'm okay though, right this very minute. I came home, felt that I was losing balance a bit, got it restored, that didn't even need a will power to have done that. I believed myself and I was managing.
****,,,I'm not stupid, I look at my own reality and I'll be looking at a certain death, by my own choice, it'll end with suicide. I'm excited. There will be so many responses for me to make, For some of you, it's a sin, for me, it's just the end of the road, I stop. I'm still not suicidal, but within couple of months, my bank account's going to be empty, then I'll get suicidal then. I don't know how long I been like that, long enough for me to not remember and it is not quite like me, if you knew me from last year.
I was reading about 48 hrs rapid cycle article, it said something like it was an established fact, at the time I was thinking about the rainy days a few days ago, I was enjoying the air, the water on my face like nobody would, then the next day, I accidentally splashed my face with after shave that had gone off. It smelled horrible like an unwashed public urinal, it ruined the whole day, absolutely EVERYTHING that came through my nose was an assault to my brain, y'know sometimes rain brings out the foul odor of your home, my old apartment becomes a nightmare because of the smell from plumbing and this old carpet. I could barely breathe that night.
Even though I live alone, I work, I had to teach this young kid who was doing the shift before me, it took me a whole month and lots of sacrifices on my private time to make him do what I normally do, it was a mess. I couldn't sleep thinking about the amount of work he always left for me to do, all I could think back then was if I were to have been doing the morning and the rest of the shift together, most of the ****'s get done before noon, any idiots with arms and legs could've done and he wasn't doing it.
My job, that I thought I was protecting for my life, I'm gonna have to say good bye to that soon. Let me make a little confession here. I worked there for a little over 2 yrs, everybody manages there alone, so it suited me. I built something there metaphorically speaking, I did a very bad thing, I almost physically threatened the kid, I asked him repeatedly that he was pushing too much, I explained everything why I felt that him starting to work there and not doing enough was affecting me and my personal life, on top of him not doing what he was supposed to do.
And I knew from experiences that not a smart/sharp person can be talked to, you ask them the same thing like 4,5 times and they say yes, and where all the time and what I told him went? People snap when they are pushed too much and reach his/her limits, I didn't wanna self explode like others before me so I let him know twice before I locked a room with a stick in my hand and showed him some demonstrations. I know I could get arrested for that.
It was the same thing for me, it was either lose my mind or lose my employment and my life ends. Also I didn't think it was fair for him to do a grave yard shift and then come to work/learn at a place of my employment, he looks like early twenties, but on many occasions, his head was sleeping and I'm not a hypnotist. People simply don't function 14,5 hrs a day straight.
I made up with him in the end though, he started to take me serious the next day and the after, if I didn't care for him to man up, I wouldn't have done what I did. This guy just didn't tell me what he was thinking, so once I told him that I didn't know what you were, are you really a human? O, boy, my meaness might've been a bit much. He got a lot tougher than when we first met, whatever. He could punch me in the stomach once, I owe him that much if he still hate me, I did followed up on my bad behavior towards him as much as I could, we were cool the last time I saw him.
Yeah, this new guy I trained, he started to do his own share, thought my work stress/extra obligation was over for now, then he was taken to some place else.
I'm done there anyways, old guy, new guy, it doesn't matter. Remember what I been doing at work past 2 days? My boss's gonna explode on me, or what? This is another stresses that I'm looking tomorrow. I decided that I am not quiting, so he has to fire me. Today, he sent me a piece of paper stating new rules, rules of conduct and dress codes, etc. He wanted me to sign it, many others have done it already and I looked at the list, many of them are obviously meant for me, some for the other's bad behaviors, what I think mines are like "Don't chew gum", No sunglasses(Is it ,,,I don't quite get this part of the list, yes I do wear a pair to work, maybe once, I was taking a break outside, ppl talk ****'s all I guess), and of course the facial hair.
I just wanna save me/him the trouble of this ridiculousness, he just don't know me, my guess is that to his eyes, I'm just a child, a mental case, and he could be right. I don't know him, don't wanna know him, I don't care how he operates or his world operates, normies' world are predictable sometimes, the understanding always seems to be one way street though.
My hair style, my beards, the way I talk, what else they got problem with me? I have certain respect to that place, a work place, I won't give you the details but in my mind, those should be enough. I work on myself, I can, to be with the normal, and it's coming to a halt now.
So what they see, actually see on the surface when they see me are my beards and my scars on inside of my right arm. I had no colored lenses in my eyes today, the second day. I was even ready to welcome the person's response with all the human warmth/kindness and give him/her a few words, to stay the beautiful person they are. Meh.
I counted my scars today and it was more than 50, like 60 and after reading the bad behavior list, reread it, and I cut while I read what applied to me. I thought I was gonna be pain free today but the life just threw me the curve ball. I gave myself 10,20 total, all shallow scars, crusty bits are still stuck to my skin.
Thought I was gonna wash my blood stained jacket today!
I'll go see how I fare in SI forum in upcoming days, even I don't blend in there, I know I'm out of place talking what I'm talking here.
IRL, I wonder, am I the only human around here? I get that, even ppl here say that others are concerned about themselves, don't worry about yourself so much. I seen others say that they can all talk only with MI folks, I've never encountered one and I wasn't like expecting that the people that passed me by today knew someone that knew someone who SH. A decent human response. I'm just an observer and arrr,,I can count myself as a participant, can't I?
Does it look like a skin rash from few feet away? Don't know what they saw or didn't see. This young co-worker of mine, who brought me the list for me to sign, I sensed that he sensed something. That's the only noticeable reaction so far, often times, I had to roll my eyes for what they looked to me.
It won't earn me a cent for me to live longer, but I am asking questions. Is this simply the case of they are not interested in what I'm interested in? Even outside of my experiment, where are the compassion that we are supposed to have since our childhood? What band them together? Even when I read stuff here, thier husbands, friends and family give the person such a hard time.
I was thinking about this today, after confirming who/what I'm surrounded with, and some of you may know that sometimes I say that I'm a response to that surroundings, at that particular time and space, now my life's longevity is at stake, I have to wonder would I feel better, would I see a way out if I weren't here at this location?
The evil list also told me that I were to remind myself of the company's morality and ethics every single day. I don't know what they are talking about. I suspect that what they(my boss) mean is whatever they deemed to be appropriate, these kinda things are just beyond me, how can one group/team of people act a certain way, they just likes to brand themselves as an ethical entity, group thinking, people's response to them, and my own response to them..
I haven't studied any of those things, I don't know what they are and I don't have a proper response. Especially in a small company like mine, nah, that's you, you wrote it up, nobody really talks to me direct, I don't even get to hear rumors, I've never belonged to any herd, I feel that in any aspect of life.
I'm beginning to know myself, would love to continue to do so. Also, I'm starting to see my place clearly once again, my physical location and the place in fellow humans in my environment don't seem like in favor for me.
um,,sry, my brain's talk is going to scatter even further from here. It is almost my bed time over here.
So, where was my head at? hmm. I'm pathetically insignificant little ****. That's a fact.
On any level, whether it is a personal interaction or anything larger than that, like political stuff or ,,just the world that the human beings are supposedly controlling are...not based on the goodness we have. Man,,words are not coming out any more.
People are too sure of themselves. I just came up with this. At least some part is true, isn't it? Where you see wrong, when you disagree with someone or some things, do you question or is that a waste of time?
I know I can love and hate myself. It got really confusing when I was cutting myself today. Whether I like it or not, some of ugly emotions are going to come back, and they will cloud my judgement, prevent me from clear thinking.
I walk in, people talk and opinions are made, and I'm ****ed. What the **** is that?
It got easier to draw blood today. I am what I am, my belief system is not there, never has been there, all I got is this confused mind, losing fine control minute by minute. I can't be a healer to myself, but a injurer. The beauty once was is sinking into the chaos, and the devil may moan underneath.