I agree with Mountainbard that your Therapists have given terrible advice when they should have been helping you work through this. I would not trust that sort again. Length of time without resolution increases suffering, as you well know.

I think James may have a point, as much as anyone can analyse the actions of a stranger third-hand. Perhaps the withdrawal of love is tied to the memories you invoke of the loss of your mum. There really is NO excuse for this, no perceived disappointment should be strong enough for a parent to treat their offspring (of any age) with emotional detatchment when love was there at the start.

You are obviously the one making all the effort to connect as a family at every level. With what you say about your Steps, I wonder if they are worth any effort at all. To be jealous of a death and to have that re-inforced is odd, to be polite. I cannot say how you could reach your dad, other than asking bluntly - if you feel strong enough - why he is so distant. Perhaps a letter would be the last resort.

As for your son, I do hope you are one day able to connect with him, for both your sakes.

Dave.