You really sound like you hurt. I feel for you. It's dangerous when you keep cutting deeper and feel like you didn't do enough because you are not getting the relief that you expected. Is there someone safe you could go to for help with this? I'm concerned. Just like with drugs, the more you cut, you become desensitized (or develop tolerance), and it can escalate because it takes more to do what you got out of it the last time. But it never solves anything - it will just keep taking more and more. You have to deal with those feelings, and stop running from them. They always catch up if you run away, but if you work them out and resolve them, then you can prevail. The feelings are real, whether or not you hurt yourself and show them on the outside. I really am sorry that you hurt so much.