i hope i don't say the wrong thing, as i am struggling myself. but you aren't wrong inside. you aren't rotten or disturbing. you deserve life. you deserve to feel alive, instead of torn and twisted. please don't give up. our minds/voices lie to us. laying down and writing is a positive step, even if you are under a desk at work. bad coping skills just make us worse. i know you probably already know that. sometimes a reminder helps. i hate that you're at work. is there anyone you can talk to there? anyone you can call? have you considered inpatient? your treatment team want to help you. i know how hard it can be to open up and ask for help but i promise it is worth it. there are still things to experience and learn about life. places to see, food to eat, people to meet. i know you probably could care less now, but one day you will be glad you didn't give up. idk if i'm helping at all but i hate to see you in this much pain and get no response.