it's like taking a hammer to my self-esteem and smashing it to pieces, and then continuing to smash it long after the pieces are ground to dust. i don't know why these feelings come up suddenly out of the blue. i've always hated myself, but sometimes i just get hit by this intense wave of self-loathing, in which i want to do away with myself
and i don't know how i'm supposed to get through these 'waves' anymore. they're unpredictable, they leave me drained and depressed, and while they're happening they overwhelm my thoughts and emotions completely, like they become the only thing that exists. i get embarrassed of myself for no clear reason, but the feelings of shame are very real, and they make me not want to see anybody. i feel like people can see my failures without even knowing me or having talked to me... like i'm wearing it on a shirt; ugly, stupid, dropout, virgin, cutter, awkward, unemployed, depressed. i feel like i fail at life and i am only 19.
i'm so tired of hating myself, but i feel like i have no reason to love myself.
i've been to many therapists and none of them could help me. i don't have a therapist right now, and i don't plan on seeing one. i'll only get told the same things that never work. i'll get told to show 'compassion' to myself, like i am some baby.
all the effort i've put into bettering myself has been negated... i gained back the weight i lost. my skin broke out again. i've been eating carelessly and not showering. i want to die. i hate myself. i'm ugly and fat and no one could ever love me, not myself, not anyone else. i'll never attract a mate, and for a young woman that is pathetic and shameful, absolutely unforgivable. might as well kill myself
all my problems are not real. i'm not depressed, just lazy. i don't have an eating disorder, i'm just a mouth-stuffing fatty who can't restrict for longer than a week until she binges and gains everything back. i don't have anxiety, i'm just a coward who makes excuses to get out of doing things and going places.
i don't think i can live like this much longer. i have nobody helping me - not my parents, not my family, i don't have any friends, no boyfriend... i'm alone. ain't that how it's always been though?...