I know the title is desperate, and I normally wouldn't write like that but I'm writing my stream of consciousness because I can't trust myself to not filter my words so that you can see how I think because I want to n ow what the hell is wrong with me.

Im a 20 yr old Asian male and I'm so so tired of life. I just want to be who I expect me to be. Who my family and friends expect me to be. But better. I want to prove to them and myself they are wrong for losing faith in me, that they were wrong to ever doubt my ability. That they will one day be able to rest easily because I have taken what they have given me to make something great of my self.

The problem is with every attempt to fix me, It just proves that maybe I'm ****.

I should tell you what I think is wrong with me. It might be that I always think that there's something wrong with me, because of there isnt it just means I'm another one of the vast majority of people born into this earth who waste the gift of life by seeking pleasure and not doing much more. I need to be better. I wasn't a fat lose for my entire life for me to end up as one of those people. There has to be a light at the end of this ****** tunnel, bit with every passing failed attempt to make myself better, I know it's more likely that I am shot.

Last semester, during my second semester of sophomore year, I gave up on life. Or so I like to say. I'm not sure if me saying i gave up on life is accurate or just something I tell myself to avoid the truth: that I'm simply lazy and needed to find a way to stop working.

Either way, I with withdrew from the college with plan on really really fixing myself once and for all. To finally quit ******* smoking weed and spending all my time in ways that distract myself from the reality that I should be working towards achieving my goals. Well I had no plan, I just ended up doing nothing and hating myself even more. If this drastic change isn't gonna fix me what was? And so I went to a psychiatrist who never said for sure what I had and he seemed to be at least considering the fact that my entire struggle was just one big cry for attention as I suggested to him.

He gave me Lamictal a mood stabilizer but it didn't do anything g noticeable. Maybe I didn't hate myself as much and as frequently for being such a lazy **** but : : :I ended up stopping after I found adderall. I felt like this is what I should be: clear headed, confident, fast, sociable, literally everything I wanted to be but had been unable to achieve due to my laziness. I felt like I could accomplish everything. Adn so I took it regularly, like once every few days, hoping that I could spend it productively on developing habits to better myself. Evenually, the effects faded and I went back to college, having accomplished nothing.

I went back to college with guarded optimism about my future. Maybe I just needed a break and the pressures of college would whip me into shape. Nope. I started falling apart agaon, reverting back my sad, lonely, desperate, hopeless fatso who binged on junk food and played video games allllll day to distract my self from my weakness, my complete lack of discipline or even motivation to follow though on any attempt to improve my life.

After a few weeks of slowly backsliding into those habits, I was reaching my breaking point again and knew I needed to start getting 100s on everything to get the straight as my parents and i expected of me since high school. So I bought modafinil and I e been using it nearly every day. I feel so focused and when I'm in the zone I feel like I can study and study like I'm supposed to be studying. I've always felt that I can get good grades, I just didn't have the energy or discipline.

Now, im still taking the drug and I find myself reverti b yet again. I still waste too much time on porn and videos even after smashing my laptop. I still smoke too many cigarettes because I tell myself they make me feel good, even though I'm pretty sure I've developed acute bronchitis from the stress, lack of sleep, and poor nutrition (I've been trying to crash diet again)

Tldr: why am I a lazy sack of shot. Am I just an attenton seeking little *****? Is there something wrong with my braon? I know drugs should be the problem but without any I feel hopeless and hate myself even more than normal. I'm also a perfectionist, I like to do things all or nothing. And I take pride in hiding my emotions and bei cm able to control myself. I know this is just a big jumbled mess of words, but I'm so so so tired of ****o ng life and I want to know how to make it better. If Im just a lazy attention seeking ***** how do I change thay? If I need to stop the drugs how do I get the energy and motivation to do what I feel like I need to be doing? I'm so tired of being a loser. Please tell me what I need to do to be the handsome, successful, likable guy I want to be. PleaSr help.