Hi, Annui. I can relate to what you're saying. I was there when I was a teenager and, even though I'm now 46, I'm still there to most of the extent. I sabotaged every relationship I was ever in (family, friends, girlfriends) because I hated/hate myself and therefore no one could ever love a fat, lazy loser like me. I figured I'd be doing the world a favor if I just "checked out" and quit wasting space. I found someone who would put up with me and, at the end of this month, we will be married for 19 years. Even though she's stuck by me with all my psychological and physical disabilities, I still constantly put her down as being the crazy one and a gluten for punishment. Something has to be wrong with her if she wants to be with me. I constantly tell her she has no self-esteem and that she lowered her standards when she hooked up with me. For some reason, she's still with me.
So, yeah, I know how you feel. But you are wrong about one thing. All of your problems are very much real. You aren't a fat, lazy coward. You have a serious health issue that needs attention. It took me years to realize that psychological health issues are just as real and important as physical ones. Yeah, therapists don't always understand us or oversimplify the problem. So, try a support group. They know what you're going through, have been there themselves, and can help you to understand what's going on. Try NAMI. They have support groups everywhere. There's one not two miles from my house and I never knew it.
Most important thing is don't give up. There are a lot of mistakes we can make that we can ask for forgiveness for or even correct. Death is not one of them. Ok? So, talk to peers that have either strongly considered it or even tried it before you make that decision. Know what you're getting into.