You DO DESERVE IT!!!!!! As much as ANYONE!!!!
Hard to know at times like this. But, it could be progress to be lying under the desk (I have done like myself) instead of using bad coping skills. Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for not using coping mechanisms that will harm you!!!!!
If you can, or can't, try drawing/scribbling/crying....running...something to let out some tension in a healthy way. Take care, hang in there.