Yes, you are.

Victims are not responsible for their victimization, they ARE responsible for the choices they make and the way they treat other people. My mom has histrionic personality disorder, my sister has a pd, I have a pd, and I'm fairly certain my mother's mother had a pd. My father did not like my mother's mother. As an observant child, I picked up on the way she manipulated my mother to fight with my father, the way she manipulated her two daughters to compete with each other through their children... It was sick. Once I saw that I had zero respect for my grandmother. My mother has forgiven my grandmother but I never have. Like you, my mother moved far away from home and we only saw my grandmother and extended family a handfull of times. I am grateful for that.

Not spending time with your mother will be healthier for your kids, your husband, and you. I have never told my mother this, nor will I, but she is a big part of the reason why I have chosen to never have children. It has taken my entire life but I finally accept my mother for who/what she is and maintain boundaries where my time with her is very limited. Giving birth to someone does not give anyone the right to use and abuse them! I also felt responsible for keeping my mother alive, when she and my father divorced for a year. She drank heavily while on xanax and wouldn't eat. I went to al anon and learned how to not be codependent. Now I know that it's not my job to keep her alive. I wish I could cut my mother out of my life 100% but I can't. I do however try to put my emotional needs before hers and greatly limit the amount of damage that I allow her to do to me. If I had children, I would move as far away from her as I could get. Another country.