I've just recently admitted to myself that I might have an ED, and this seems like a chance for me to honest and open, so I hope you don't mind. I'm not sure exactly where to start, so please bear with me.

as a child, I was always bigger than other kids, chubbier and such. I always felt really bad because of it. at about 12, it became more of a focus, but I never really acted out with any ED behaviour.

a couple years ago, I started watching what I ate, counting calories, obsessing over what I consumed. eventually I stopped paying attention, due to off-and-on depression that lasted until this March, give or take. during my depression, I actually started binge eating and sometimes a bit of restricting. I ate even when I wasn't actually hungry, I'd consume a lot of food per day, and it started to show on my body. othertimes, my anxiety would be so horrible, that I didn't eat all day, because I didn't feel hunger, only that pain.

in March, I began a wonderful relationship with a man that I am still dating to this day. it lifted my depression in a lot of aspects, and it gave me a reason to grow healthier. I started watching what I ate a little bit more, and avoided bingeing and such. my boyfriend loves my body, right now. he thinks it's, quote, the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. trust me, it's not that great. I'm overweight, I have fat thighs and hips, etc. while I don't look like a whale, I'm not average sized, either.

recently, I've fallen into a slight depressed phase again. life stress with family, friends, and school approaching is just so much to handle. at the same time, I am more aware of my body, since I'm now in a sexual relationship. I am disgusted. I hate so much of my body, and I've picked up borderline anorexic habits again.

my boyfriend was the one who noticed that I would only eat about one meal a day, and that it wouldn't even be a whole meal, etc. my boyfriend has straight-out told me, if I lose weight, he probably wouldn't be as attracted to me. I know that he's partly saying this as an incentive for me to be healthier with how I eat, but it makes it worse, since *I* want to lose weight and look better, but I feel like I have to stay this size to make him happy.

last week, when he and I discussed this and I was honest in saying that I think I might be slightly anorexic, he had me promise to try to eat better. so I had been eating three meals a day, and trying SO hard not to look at calories and obsess. but he went on vacation Sunday, and I've noticed that since he's not asking me daily if I ate, I'm neglecting it again. today, I'm even counting calories again. which makes me feel disappointed in myself.

I don't know what I'm looking for in saying all of this. I guess part of me just wanted to vent. I'm scared... of myself. but it doesn't really feel like it's me that's coming up with these ideas. and the feminist in me is yelling that I shouldn't try to stifle my restricting just because a man wants me to. ><

I guess... I just need some kind words, please?